In the past week since I posted about how gross and unproductive I am, PHEW, let me tell you about how much I’ve gotten done.

I’ve taken three epically long naps, eaten some pasta and then gone directly to bed. It’s just a big ole party up in here yo! Some where in there The Dish and I were invited to celebrate a friends 40th where at the end of the lovely dinner of deliciously cooked gourmet food I informed our host how I am not a big fan of lamb but BOY OH BOY could he cook the shit out of the lamb meat. I still don’t think I have completely dislodged my foot from my mouth which obviously makes it hard to work. You know driving and walking are very difficult with a foot lodged in your pie hole.  So I’ve also not gone to work and stayed home doing such productive things like rewashing a load of laundry for the second time since it sat in the washer for a week.  I already mentioned the naps.  I also ate some celery and almond butter before my naps and bed time as I’ve read that it’s supposed to make you NOT feel like shit when you wake up in the morning. I’m not sure it works when your dinner is that stalk of celery, two tablespoons of almond butter and a bottle of wine.

I think I’ve developed a horrible disease and I am completely afraid to google it because you know once you do that death is imminent. I am choosing to call it Migratory Twitchiness. It sounds kind of interesting but honestly waking up in the mornings and not knowing which part of your body is having that tiny seizure is alarming. Could be an eye. Could be a shoulder. Worse yet it could be that foot that is lodged in your mouth that when combined with the twitching is like kicking your self in the teeth over and over.

Who needs Chuck Norris when I have me?

Speaking of Chuck Norris, I joined a gym (this is not a New Years resolution, I am totally on board withThe Patty Punker Franzia lifestyle guide) and the Trainer, who was wearing a superman tee shirt, was telling me about the methodology and I started getting dizzy and then he said a few other things like how the motto is “forging elite fitness” while showing me the proper way to squat and that’s when I passed out. So I gave him a wad of money that I had precounted and put in my pocket and called up the next morning to cancel my SECOND squatting session because my luge is broken so I had no way to get there and that’s when he told me I had given him $6.00 whole dollars and I was like…
Yeah? What’s your point?
I know how to squat.

Finally, through a strange series of emails that went something like this I no longer have dental insurance:

Emailer From Another Company: Vapid,What are you planning on doing with your dental ins?

AVB:I really hadn’t planned on anything. It was just kind of a luxury. Unless **** comes up with something I don’t really know. 

Emailer From Another Company: So, should we take you off effective January 2011 also?

AVB: I would keep it up if I could…I just didn’t think it was an option? 

Emailer From Another Company: You can’t as it is just like the health insurance with **** – there is no longer a connection since so and so is no longer the provider.  So off??????.

Well then by fucking god I guess off it is? Seriously why bother asking? Are you concerned about mah TEEF? Because honestly teef are overrated, just like mah daddy used to say “If yo mamma don’t need no TEEF, you sure as hell don’t need no TEEF eiver.” So pretty soon I am going to be showing up to work probably hung over from all the wine, almond butter and celery having forgotten to pop mah teef in mah head and be all mushy moufed and drooly but my quads will be strrrronnnggger zan yourz!

Buried under two feet of snow I sit here on my couch in my second pair of pajamas unable to move.  Apparently being 893 years old and playing a rousing game of XBox Kinect Leaky Walls until 2 am after Christmas followed by not one, but two harrowing bowling tournaments with a side helping of shovelling 65 thousand pounds of snow off the deck to avoid collapse doesn’t agree so well with the lack of glucosamine in my joints or the lack of muscle memory.

 (I thought I could ride on the coattails of being a high school gymnast right into the grave. But apparently not.)

I can’t move. It is quite uncomfortable. And I am incredibly thankful for the second cashmere hat that I can put on to cover up the damage done by the wool devil cap I was wearing while shovelling  65 thousands pounds of snow off of my deck.

 But why am I complaining when The Dish had to do the real work by figuring where to put the rest of the snow, which roughly amounts to about 999 billion pounds and personally I think shoving it straight back up the snow gods ass would be the appropriate place for it, after all that’s where it came from right?  Isn’t this supposed to happen on Christmas?  Not the Monday after when employees need to be payed and year end preparations need to begin.

But on with the hightlights of the Chritsmas holiday.

No one died.

The only blood shed was when I blew my nose too hard and since it’s very dry maybe part of my brain popped out.

And speaking of blowing something too hard. If Santa showed up late I am sure it’s not because he didn’t come at all, he just didn’t come around your parts and with good reason.

(Honest to god an FB friend of my husbands. We keep her around for entertainment purposes. Pleased don’t try this at home and clicking to enlarge is totally appropriate)
What more could a person want, other than to find that pesky little motivation thing that I may have shovelled off the deck. Whether you celebrate Christmas or not  I am sure you can appreciate Santa getting some action in the North East….I wonder if Norad tracked that?

And speaking of The Dish he gives the best gifts, aside from hysterical FB blog fodder, he also realizes the importance of A Vapid Blonde to me. Which is totally awesome.

(how completely thoughtful and the frame, custom 24k white gold leaf!)
Merry Christmas. Happy New Year. Jolly good times, health and wealth to you all! 

XOXO
AVB and The Dish