1.

I had a lovely day today, driving my MIL to the airport, then onto a mall where I promptly spent my entire dowry to by new running gear because my old running gear felt like I was wearing a potato sack with cinder blocks as running shoes and eager to get home and try all of this new shit out I rushed in to take the doggies out for a quick piddle and as soon as I saw The Nug in her pen I realized I hadn’t walked her before I left and assumed that the wet spot on her bed was her kegels failing but then what I realized is that I completely fucking forgot to put her lamp shade on so she wouldn’t lick her incision and then the insurmountable panic set in when I dropped everything and put on her leash and brought her out to take that long awaited piss so I could get her back in side to inspect the incision that was now dripping blood and when I went to open the door to go back in…Nothing, NADA.   I had locked us the fuck out of the house where I could see there on the  table was my cell phone and The Tine sitting next to it and thought to my self, I fucked up. I fucked up bad. Why had I not taught him how to unlock the door? And there we were, me crying like a lunatic and her looking at me and then at the door and I know all she wanted was her pain pills, which she totally won’t share with me and all I kept thinking was how can I get in. HOW could I have done  this. I am such an asshole. And once we settled into  the moment she laid down and I put my sweater over her and sat that petting her and crying and willing The Dish to come home early and by the time he got there I was a blubbery wreck and The Nug was shivering a little less and he looked at me and said, “It’s fine. Let it go. Don’t be so hard on your self” And this is why I fucking love him.
It’s called perspective.

2.

There have been a flood of people from Denmark arriving here from Facebook and I can’t really understand why because to my knowledge A Vapid Blonde is not on Facebook, unless I have a Danish Fan Club. If that is the case that is super cool,  but I must apologize to them because THIS is what they are getting started with. 
Dear Denmark, I am so very very sorry, you have no idea.

3.

Someone searched “Dead Hanging Mexicans” and landed here which happens to be one of my all time favorite posts because it is ALL true. But the Dead Hanging Mexican bit is kind of strange because I don’t recall that happening at all on that trip, unless you count the dead Mexican chickens that I saw hanging on the side of the road.
By the way, don’t google that phrase to see how they ended up here, it’s really kind of awful and makes me wonder if I need some kind of psychotherapy help.

4.

This picture is super small and that bites a donkey’s ass. It’s a spam comment that I received not that long ago and what it says if you don’t want to click to EMBIGGEN
“Hey dumbshit, learn how to write.”
Love, Levitra.
Really? You are going to criticize my writing? Hmm…I wonder why that never got approved.
Oh by the way, how’s it hanging, Levitra Guy?

5.

The Hippest Snippets featured me not that long ago and how cool is that? And for this post.

 And that is what’s been going on behind my closed doors this week….or in this case locked up tighter than Fort Knox.

SHHHHH, I am writing this at work since I can’t seem to do it from the luxury of my yacht in the Mediterranean which by the way is totally fucking irritating.  I feel like the more I am simplifying my life like foregoing personal grooming and clean clothes the LESS I get accomplished. I am so glad my only responsibilities include making sure my younger dog doesn’t pee on my older dog while she is peeing which is like totally overwhelming and then stopping him when he tries to pee on me as I am picking up HIS poop that narrowly escaped getting recycled  down his throat only to be shit out again…(you see this vicious cycle? The stink, it gets exponentially worse with each go round.) Sigh.
Or stopping him from flying after said poop when I throw the poop over the cliff.  It is like a game….run after it and try to catch it mid air, with your mouth.
(gag gag gag gag gag)

Where was I?  Oh right, trying to simplify my life has made everything feel like chaos and mayhem. Oh and work? Bleh. If I can’t even get my personal grooming in balance and by that I mean I got one side of the Vagina done before I had to go do SOMETHING or another and now I totally look like that carnival character that is one half lady one have bearded man, (I imagine the bald lady side sounds like Julia Child…all HELLOOOOO and the other side looks and sounds a LOT like Samuel Jackson all hairy and wild eyed talking about cheeseburger royals and shit.) 

yeah so if I can’t get that taken care of properly I am pretty sure nothing else is getting done the right way, especially when I am finishing up watching Grease 2 at work so I can get my next DVD for my next Culture Brats post, AND I kept getting interrupted AND I was all like ‘you know….Adrian Zmed is wearing really tight pants could you leave me be for a MOMENT please!’

(That may or may not be a total lie)

So I am not getting much accomplished these days, but one very very important thing is I am starting to monitor my blood pressure, because?  Well?  FUCKITY FUCK FUCK. That is why! No really, every time I go to a doctor it’s high, my BP mind you, not me. I feel like its panic but I refrain from eating a jar of Xanax because….um….because? I am not really sure why actually. Maybe that is the real answer…eat Xanax and have ridiculously low BP.
(*twists moustache deep in sinister thought*)

Did you know all of the things that can cause high blood pressure especially if you are a chicklet? Let me tell you.
Advil! Yes that little pill of green gold can cause it.
Smoking. For all of its wonderful things it does a body it can also give you high blood pressure!
Wee!
Birth Control Pills….Sigh. Time to revert back to the olden days of pumpin’ and prayin’, only I don’t really pray ever and most likely my eggs are more like martini olives soaked in vermouth at this point all drunk and unable to stick the walls of anything!
Which brings me to the most cruel joke anyone has ever tried to play on me.
Alcohol. The sweet nectar of the gods! Why do these studies try and hurt my feelings so? In order to drink healthily (not heavily, mind you.) it is recommended that women consume NO MORE then one drink a day. Yup one, and it is not like you can hoard them all and consume then all on Saturday morning with your Wheaties…just one a day and that’s it.

MOTHER FUCKERS!

But I have figured out a reach around work around.  All you lovelies with the lady bits can thank me later and you fellas will totally thank me when you serve  your dates her one glass of wine!

BEHOLD

That’s right….it holds an entire bottle of wine in one glass!!!!
GI. GGI. TY!
(in case you don’t believe me as I often STRETCH the truth a bit around here…go here)

They may be able to take away most of the fun but come hell or high  BP water they are not taking away my ONE glass of wine a day!

 Sláinte!

P.S. Bonus: when you boys give your dates the glass you can be all ‘Hey Baby, did you lose weight cause look at how big your glass of wine looks next to you?” (then waggle your eyebrows suggestively)