So ever since I started to create a Face book Page, then profile, then joined networked blogsin an effort to make you friend me, like me AND follow me I have had a horrible time trying to come up with anything to write about. It’s like FB took the voice out of me and is hiding it from me because I just became needy on the Internet and when I look at my Vapid profile I sit in silent judgement and think “Why the hell couldn’t I just add all of this to my RL profile and be done with it?” I have more friends there. I have RL life friends, bloggy friends, twitter friends and complete and total stranger friends from when I needed more gangsters in my Mob. I have no answer other than besides the fact that my mom is there too,  it is all so overwhelming for me that my tongue is tied into a thousand little knots right now so I gave my self last week off and this week I am giving The Dish off and in lieu of trying to gently pry all the knots apart I am going to answer the call of duty set forth by, not one, but TWO people in the blogosphere.

As Vinny C’s It and Squatlo Rant have tagged me  and I am supposed to answer all these questions but for the love of bacon I have no idea why any one would want to know some of these things about me.
When I am done scarring you I am then supposed to tag four other bloggers to do the same.  If I can remember to do it at the end. I do have the attention span of a Gna…OOOH Look a rotten banana!

1) If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals, or are they members of your family?

Obviously my pets, The Tine and The Nug, are purely animals.

4) What would you do with a billion dollars?

I would quit my job. Buy a gold plated Ferrari. Drink vintage Dom out of my custom carved diamond goblet.
Oh my god, there are so many things I would do. I would roll around in the money and lick it all to claim it as my own.
I would buy an island and name it Dufmanno Island, just because I could. I would require all who frequent the island to wear as much glitter as possible because who can be unhappy in glitter? Only people who are dead inside, that’s who.

5.What helps pull you out of a bad mood?

My husband. A good stiff drink. My dogs.  Six O’clock.

6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?

This is a trick question.
If you don’t love anyone then no one will love you back and if no one is loving anyone (and no, your hand loving yourself doesn’t count) then no one is getting blessed and also if I talk anymore about being blessed I may just burst in to Satan Flames.

7)  What is your bedtime routine?

First I dismount the couch by doing a back flip onto the floor. Then I grand jeté over the dining table. Flicking off light switches with my foot as I fouetté en tournant.

Ending with a step out front flip landing in a split on my memory foam bed after I’ve brushed my teeth and used the ladies room.

If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your partner?
(why is the 8 a smiley face?)

We actually have my Ex-Douchebag #2 to thank for that. He took me to a restaurant for dinner which I paid for where The Dish was working many many years ago. The Dish walked into the kitchen and said ”Who is the blonde with the Douchebag?” And everyone answered ”Oh you must mean Vapid!” Then over the course of many years I plied him with well crafted cocktails laced with rohypnol and one day I finally got the dose right and successfully tied him to my bed post.
Forever.
The end.

9) If you could watch a creative person in the act of the creative process, who would it be?

A blogger. Watching a blogger create the most fantastic post ever would be completely riveting. Each key tap. Each pause and look to the sky searching for just the right words to string together. The avalanche of typing that comes as the flood gates of creativity  open. The eventual disappointment and backspacing. The pause. And then…
And then…the entire process starts over.

Tap.Tap.Tap.Tap.Tap.Tap.Tap.Tap.Tap.Tap.Tap.Tap.Tap.Tap.Tap.

Until finally the ultimate climactic moment.

The apprehension, the double checking, the re-re-re-proofing, the…the…the.

Gentle yet firm pushing of the

PUBLISH  button!

FIN!

All of the books that I never seem to be able to finish. I am 400 pages and nine years into The Count of  Monte Cristo. I am ten chapters and two years into The Manual of Detection (which my cousin wrote).  I am some where in the middle of Wesley: The Remarkable Love Story of a Owl and His Girl. I can’t bring myself to finish it over the fear of the allergic reaction where my eyes start to water profusely and I feel like I’ve swallowed a golf ball. I have read The Alchemist more than ten times and Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah probably 20 times.

11) How would you see yourself in ten years time?

With my new found squatting work outs probably like this.

12) What’s your fear?

Suffocating.
My knees get tingly just thinking about it.

13. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to visit outer space?

I don’t eat junk food and since my ancestors are from space I am always welcome.
See?

14. Would you rather be single and rich or married, but poor?

I would really rather be rich and married. Why is this not an option? Why can’t we love our money and money our loves?

15. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?

Try to slick down  my hair so when everyone else wakes up I don’t scare the shit out of them with my exploding night hair.

16. If you could change one thing about your spouse/partner what would it be?

Absolutely nothing.
He’s perfect.
Most of all I would never try to have him be more optimistic about everything.

17. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?

Popcorn Delavergne.
Catchy isn’t it. Just like the clap.

18. Would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing that special someone has done?

It depends on the definition of special someone.
If  it’s the dentist and I came out with my pants on inside out I may forget because of the gas but I probably would not forgive.

19. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be?

This question is giving me anxiety.
Peach Jolly Ranchers? Or maybe steak?  Clams?
I don’t know.
*wrings hands*

I’m done.
This long.
And I had a bitch of a time with it because I think my alien ancestors were fucking with Internets because I haven’t visited lately.

In the past week since I posted about how gross and unproductive I am, PHEW, let me tell you about how much I’ve gotten done.

I’ve taken three epically long naps, eaten some pasta and then gone directly to bed. It’s just a big ole party up in here yo! Some where in there The Dish and I were invited to celebrate a friends 40th where at the end of the lovely dinner of deliciously cooked gourmet food I informed our host how I am not a big fan of lamb but BOY OH BOY could he cook the shit out of the lamb meat. I still don’t think I have completely dislodged my foot from my mouth which obviously makes it hard to work. You know driving and walking are very difficult with a foot lodged in your pie hole.  So I’ve also not gone to work and stayed home doing such productive things like rewashing a load of laundry for the second time since it sat in the washer for a week.  I already mentioned the naps.  I also ate some celery and almond butter before my naps and bed time as I’ve read that it’s supposed to make you NOT feel like shit when you wake up in the morning. I’m not sure it works when your dinner is that stalk of celery, two tablespoons of almond butter and a bottle of wine.

I think I’ve developed a horrible disease and I am completely afraid to google it because you know once you do that death is imminent. I am choosing to call it Migratory Twitchiness. It sounds kind of interesting but honestly waking up in the mornings and not knowing which part of your body is having that tiny seizure is alarming. Could be an eye. Could be a shoulder. Worse yet it could be that foot that is lodged in your mouth that when combined with the twitching is like kicking your self in the teeth over and over.

Who needs Chuck Norris when I have me?

Speaking of Chuck Norris, I joined a gym (this is not a New Years resolution, I am totally on board withThe Patty Punker Franzia lifestyle guide) and the Trainer, who was wearing a superman tee shirt, was telling me about the methodology and I started getting dizzy and then he said a few other things like how the motto is “forging elite fitness” while showing me the proper way to squat and that’s when I passed out. So I gave him a wad of money that I had precounted and put in my pocket and called up the next morning to cancel my SECOND squatting session because my luge is broken so I had no way to get there and that’s when he told me I had given him $6.00 whole dollars and I was like…
Yeah? What’s your point?
I know how to squat.

Finally, through a strange series of emails that went something like this I no longer have dental insurance:

Emailer From Another Company: Vapid,What are you planning on doing with your dental ins?

AVB:I really hadn’t planned on anything. It was just kind of a luxury. Unless **** comes up with something I don’t really know. 

Emailer From Another Company: So, should we take you off effective January 2011 also?

AVB: I would keep it up if I could…I just didn’t think it was an option? 

Emailer From Another Company: You can’t as it is just like the health insurance with **** – there is no longer a connection since so and so is no longer the provider.  So off??????.

Well then by fucking god I guess off it is? Seriously why bother asking? Are you concerned about mah TEEF? Because honestly teef are overrated, just like mah daddy used to say “If yo mamma don’t need no TEEF, you sure as hell don’t need no TEEF eiver.” So pretty soon I am going to be showing up to work probably hung over from all the wine, almond butter and celery having forgotten to pop mah teef in mah head and be all mushy moufed and drooly but my quads will be strrrronnnggger zan yourz!