I’ve mentioned not long ago how I started this new “gym” thing where they make you do loads of squats of all different types and some of them you do on your hands…HA, funny right? Yeah well my arms are having a hard time typing this out because they did all sorts of arm squats that caused my head to swell with all the blood that started to pool in it until I got back on my feet which then almost made me black out, I know what it means to see stars now. But whats even more disturbing is that since I contracted The Tuberculosis it’s been a week since I actually went to this new “gym” and when I knew I was going the next day I ended up having a dream about it but instead of “Forging Elite Fitness” by squatting. On my hands.  I was doing some kind of strange whole body v-fold thing while wearing hot pink spandex, leg warmers and listening to “Do you want to get physical, physical, physical? Let me hear your body talk…” And for some reason I found it all very funny.
And sexy.
In my dream that is, until I woke up and felt like I needed a good slap in the face to shake me out of it.
The other disturbing thing is that I found my self missing this new “gym” and missing the constant way my body feels like an over stretched rubber band fused with a wet noodle  and I think I may be a Sadoaddictivist to this place now.

I totally made that word up.
I’m allowed to make up words because I’m a Word Nerd.

Apparently saying motherfucking knucklehead makes me a brillionare.
Which,  by the way,  is another word I made up because I am allowed to.

And since I am trying not to post about the weather. Or my hair.  Or the fact that we still have no signal for our satellite. I’ve realized that I am a shallow person  because the only thing I could come up with is my lousy rubbery legs and arms and my apparently IMMENSE vocabulary.  Or as the Word Gestapo put it my Brobdingnagian vocabulary which, in a fitting display of irony, I had to look up and it just means huge, as in size and then I thought how they really are trying to fuck with me because they know I’ve had The Tuberculosis and haven’t been at the gym in a week so really they are just calling me a fat ass.
Cock knuckles!

In the past week since I posted about how gross and unproductive I am, PHEW, let me tell you about how much I’ve gotten done.

I’ve taken three epically long naps, eaten some pasta and then gone directly to bed. It’s just a big ole party up in here yo! Some where in there The Dish and I were invited to celebrate a friends 40th where at the end of the lovely dinner of deliciously cooked gourmet food I informed our host how I am not a big fan of lamb but BOY OH BOY could he cook the shit out of the lamb meat. I still don’t think I have completely dislodged my foot from my mouth which obviously makes it hard to work. You know driving and walking are very difficult with a foot lodged in your pie hole.  So I’ve also not gone to work and stayed home doing such productive things like rewashing a load of laundry for the second time since it sat in the washer for a week.  I already mentioned the naps.  I also ate some celery and almond butter before my naps and bed time as I’ve read that it’s supposed to make you NOT feel like shit when you wake up in the morning. I’m not sure it works when your dinner is that stalk of celery, two tablespoons of almond butter and a bottle of wine.

I think I’ve developed a horrible disease and I am completely afraid to google it because you know once you do that death is imminent. I am choosing to call it Migratory Twitchiness. It sounds kind of interesting but honestly waking up in the mornings and not knowing which part of your body is having that tiny seizure is alarming. Could be an eye. Could be a shoulder. Worse yet it could be that foot that is lodged in your mouth that when combined with the twitching is like kicking your self in the teeth over and over.

Who needs Chuck Norris when I have me?

Speaking of Chuck Norris, I joined a gym (this is not a New Years resolution, I am totally on board withThe Patty Punker Franzia lifestyle guide) and the Trainer, who was wearing a superman tee shirt, was telling me about the methodology and I started getting dizzy and then he said a few other things like how the motto is “forging elite fitness” while showing me the proper way to squat and that’s when I passed out. So I gave him a wad of money that I had precounted and put in my pocket and called up the next morning to cancel my SECOND squatting session because my luge is broken so I had no way to get there and that’s when he told me I had given him $6.00 whole dollars and I was like…
Yeah? What’s your point?
I know how to squat.

Finally, through a strange series of emails that went something like this I no longer have dental insurance:

Emailer From Another Company: Vapid,What are you planning on doing with your dental ins?

AVB:I really hadn’t planned on anything. It was just kind of a luxury. Unless **** comes up with something I don’t really know. 

Emailer From Another Company: So, should we take you off effective January 2011 also?

AVB: I would keep it up if I could…I just didn’t think it was an option? 

Emailer From Another Company: You can’t as it is just like the health insurance with **** – there is no longer a connection since so and so is no longer the provider.  So off??????.

Well then by fucking god I guess off it is? Seriously why bother asking? Are you concerned about mah TEEF? Because honestly teef are overrated, just like mah daddy used to say “If yo mamma don’t need no TEEF, you sure as hell don’t need no TEEF eiver.” So pretty soon I am going to be showing up to work probably hung over from all the wine, almond butter and celery having forgotten to pop mah teef in mah head and be all mushy moufed and drooly but my quads will be strrrronnnggger zan yourz!