So ever since I started to create a Face book Page, then profile, then joined networked blogsin an effort to make you friend me, like me AND follow me I have had a horrible time trying to come up with anything to write about. It’s like FB took the voice out of me and is hiding it from me because I just became needy on the Internet and when I look at my Vapid profile I sit in silent judgement and think “Why the hell couldn’t I just add all of this to my RL profile and be done with it?” I have more friends there. I have RL life friends, bloggy friends, twitter friends and complete and total stranger friends from when I needed more gangsters in my Mob. I have no answer other than besides the fact that my mom is there too,  it is all so overwhelming for me that my tongue is tied into a thousand little knots right now so I gave my self last week off and this week I am giving The Dish off and in lieu of trying to gently pry all the knots apart I am going to answer the call of duty set forth by, not one, but TWO people in the blogosphere.

As Vinny C’s It and Squatlo Rant have tagged me  and I am supposed to answer all these questions but for the love of bacon I have no idea why any one would want to know some of these things about me.
When I am done scarring you I am then supposed to tag four other bloggers to do the same.  If I can remember to do it at the end. I do have the attention span of a Gna…OOOH Look a rotten banana!

1) If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals, or are they members of your family?

Obviously my pets, The Tine and The Nug, are purely animals.

4) What would you do with a billion dollars?

I would quit my job. Buy a gold plated Ferrari. Drink vintage Dom out of my custom carved diamond goblet.
Oh my god, there are so many things I would do. I would roll around in the money and lick it all to claim it as my own.
I would buy an island and name it Dufmanno Island, just because I could. I would require all who frequent the island to wear as much glitter as possible because who can be unhappy in glitter? Only people who are dead inside, that’s who.

5.What helps pull you out of a bad mood?

My husband. A good stiff drink. My dogs.  Six O’clock.

6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?

This is a trick question.
If you don’t love anyone then no one will love you back and if no one is loving anyone (and no, your hand loving yourself doesn’t count) then no one is getting blessed and also if I talk anymore about being blessed I may just burst in to Satan Flames.

7)  What is your bedtime routine?

First I dismount the couch by doing a back flip onto the floor. Then I grand jeté over the dining table. Flicking off light switches with my foot as I fouetté en tournant.

Ending with a step out front flip landing in a split on my memory foam bed after I’ve brushed my teeth and used the ladies room.

If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your partner?
(why is the 8 a smiley face?)

We actually have my Ex-Douchebag #2 to thank for that. He took me to a restaurant for dinner which I paid for where The Dish was working many many years ago. The Dish walked into the kitchen and said ”Who is the blonde with the Douchebag?” And everyone answered ”Oh you must mean Vapid!” Then over the course of many years I plied him with well crafted cocktails laced with rohypnol and one day I finally got the dose right and successfully tied him to my bed post.
Forever.
The end.

9) If you could watch a creative person in the act of the creative process, who would it be?

A blogger. Watching a blogger create the most fantastic post ever would be completely riveting. Each key tap. Each pause and look to the sky searching for just the right words to string together. The avalanche of typing that comes as the flood gates of creativity  open. The eventual disappointment and backspacing. The pause. And then…
And then…the entire process starts over.

Tap.Tap.Tap.Tap.Tap.Tap.Tap.Tap.Tap.Tap.Tap.Tap.Tap.Tap.Tap.

Until finally the ultimate climactic moment.

The apprehension, the double checking, the re-re-re-proofing, the…the…the.

Gentle yet firm pushing of the

PUBLISH  button!

FIN!

All of the books that I never seem to be able to finish. I am 400 pages and nine years into The Count of  Monte Cristo. I am ten chapters and two years into The Manual of Detection (which my cousin wrote).  I am some where in the middle of Wesley: The Remarkable Love Story of a Owl and His Girl. I can’t bring myself to finish it over the fear of the allergic reaction where my eyes start to water profusely and I feel like I’ve swallowed a golf ball. I have read The Alchemist more than ten times and Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah probably 20 times.

11) How would you see yourself in ten years time?

With my new found squatting work outs probably like this.

12) What’s your fear?

Suffocating.
My knees get tingly just thinking about it.

13. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to visit outer space?

I don’t eat junk food and since my ancestors are from space I am always welcome.
See?

14. Would you rather be single and rich or married, but poor?

I would really rather be rich and married. Why is this not an option? Why can’t we love our money and money our loves?

15. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?

Try to slick down  my hair so when everyone else wakes up I don’t scare the shit out of them with my exploding night hair.

16. If you could change one thing about your spouse/partner what would it be?

Absolutely nothing.
He’s perfect.
Most of all I would never try to have him be more optimistic about everything.

17. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?

Popcorn Delavergne.
Catchy isn’t it. Just like the clap.

18. Would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing that special someone has done?

It depends on the definition of special someone.
If  it’s the dentist and I came out with my pants on inside out I may forget because of the gas but I probably would not forgive.

19. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be?

This question is giving me anxiety.
Peach Jolly Ranchers? Or maybe steak?  Clams?
I don’t know.
*wrings hands*

I’m done.
This long.
And I had a bitch of a time with it because I think my alien ancestors were fucking with Internets because I haven’t visited lately.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We’ve all sufficiently recouped from Thanksgiving and moved on to Christmas or Hanukkah or all of the other things that everyone celebrates around these parts. All of us but me. See, I am not ready to face Christmas. I never am until around the 24th but usually when the 24th rolls around you can find me smoking up a storm, nursing a 103 degree fever with a bottle or two of wine, wearing only some curly ribbon, wrapping all the yachts, gold bullion and diamonds that I personally dug for all of my beloved minions. However, this year I am really not ready to face Christmas since last year The Grinch came to my beloved Christmas, dug a hole in the ground, stuffed Christmas in it and then took a shit on it. I know, it’s not a pretty thought. Be thankful you weren’t there.

The Dish and I take The Tine and The Nug very seriously you know, after all we bought The Nug two brand new bionic knees and The Tine, well he gets to keep his balls. We don’t give them human food very often and I am pretty sure The Nug is going to walk out the door one day to go live with our good friend who watches both dogs  and makes them home made frozen yogurt treats on the RARE occasion we try to get the HELL OUT of Dodge. 
On special occasions, such as Thanksgiving, we try to make them feel a part of the festivities and special usually means when we are drunk enough to not care what aroma comes wafting out of their bung holes.

 Since they deconstruct, devour and destroy what ever is given them in a matter of seconds we try to find something that is hard and will last a long, long, long time. To that end, we have found the Mighty Bully Stick lasts about and hour (badum chump) and when I tell you they love them, just imagine a guard dog that will still be chewing on the thing when an intruder comes in and trying to bark at the same time. It’s this weird combination of chaw chaw raawww rawww chaw chawgrawww.  What I’m getting at is they make a shit ton of noise while chewing so when Mrs. Vapid asked what they were she no doubt couldn’t hear The Dish quietly look away and say “dried bull penis” into his glass of wine. Although my dad, Mr. Vapid heard.
 A little time goes by, the dogs are going down to town on these things and Mrs. Vapid exclaims “Those look good can I get one?”
*Blinks all around*
I’m pretty sure everyone turned around and took another sip of wine.
A little more time goes by and Mrs. Vapid exclaims “Really, that just looks so good, can I get one?”
*sigh*
*drink*
Mrs. Vapid to Mr. Vapid: “Don’t you want one of those?”

Mr. Vapid: ” Did you hear what they are?”
Mrs. Vapid: “No?”
Mr. Vapid (giving the stinkeye of suspisciousness): “You didn’t hear what they are?”
Mrs. Vapid:  “NO, what are they?”
(cut to me sitting next to Mrs. Vapid on the couch slowly sipping my wine…waiting, waiting, waiting for just the right moment to strike! Kaboom!)
AVB: “Mom, it’s a dried BULL PENIS!”
Mrs. Vapid : “No it’s not:”
Mr. Vapid: “Yes it is, The Dish clearly said that like 45 minutes ago!”
AVB: “Yes mom, it’s a dried bull penis like raw hide that we give to our dogs and all you keep talking about is how much you want one and doesn’t dad want one and I never knew how KINKY you were?!?”

And through out the rest of the night I kept on offending my mother over and over again with talk of the Bull Penis. Like when a guy on tv took a little swizzle stick with a little hand on it and scratched his little balls with it and my mom didn’t see what he did and asked “What just happened?” Yeah, um Mom “He scrastched his bull penis with it…duh!”

And that’s when she said she was no longer speaking to me.

Next time I will tell you about how my parents think I live like a cave woman in the woods and brush whats left of my teeth with tree bark.