So earlier today as I was in the middle of eating a hard boiled egg I was told that my presence was requested by a real human being of which I had no idea who they were so this immediately sent me into a chewing frenzy of mastication, salivation and hyperventilation resulting in a portion of the hard boiled yolk being sucked up through my nasal passage into what would be my brain hole if I actually had one. So there I sat for the next 10 minutes trying to snort that thing back down in to my belly where it belongs, or out through my mouth from which it came , only to have it shoot out through my left nostril onto my dress which I then picked up with my own hands and ate it.
Again.
I know.
IRRESISTBLE.
You see even though I haven’t written here in like a month or so, if you want to call that last piece of shit that actually took me longer than four hours to compose, writing? Not much has changed.
I am still a drooly, spittly mess of a non-social creature. Yet I constantly put my self into situations that require me to be (big fucking finger quotes here)
“SOCIAL”
Who could really blame me any way for being so socially shy when one of the two things I can remember from this past summer was hearing about a woman who lost her esophagus and needed part of her tummy turned into her BRAND NEW ESOPHAGUS…albeit swollen esophagus that was now in desperate need of an extra large jacket to fit over her enlarged esophagus.
Holy hell…how do you lose your esophagus you filthy slut…?
Just kidding.
Seriously though all I could think was ” Were you in Deep Throat? Because you don’t look anything like that nice lady from that movie!“ but it was like 800 years ago so if it was you and what with all that hard work you put in…you deserve a new throat! Or at least a really fucking rad coat for that shiny new esophagus…which is exactly why I am so good at what I do.
Two years ago New Years day I started my secret life as a blogger but the problem was that I called it www.myrealname.com (that’s not a real website) and then I realized there was this thing called Google out there where anyone could type in your name and find your secret blog that you talk a lot about your ”use” of xanax and vodka to cure your social anxiety, waxing your hooch and how your hair got stuck in a strippers vagina one time all while using the word fuck just about every other word and I thought wow that was dumb to use my real name.
Dumb. Dumb. Dumb.
Something a dumb blonde would do.
Ding! Ding!
The bells went off and realized my new blog name was on my about me page. I wouldn’t necessarily say that A Vapid Blonde was born on that day but I just took the duct tape off of her mouth and let her be free, as free as the wind blows, a free as the grass grows and yada, yada, yada. I think Vapid and I have created a cute little psychotic world here and she has been fairly well behaved in that she tries never to involve anyone who doesn’t already know about her. So there are a few key players. The Dish, my loving and supportive husband who I am pretty sure feels a bit duped that the really cool chick he married ended up being a complete dork who can have complete conversations about how the outdoors smells like relish one day and then desperately needs a hot dog to go with her glass of champagne. There are my doggies The Tine and The Nug. Occasionally I mention Fhistuwhore and Fingerbang because, well wouldn’t you just yell out their names for no reason whatsoever and just because? But really the key player here is me, my accident prone vagina that gets itself in to sticky and embarrassing situations all the time,which is funny since I am quite demure about certain things IRL and the fact that I will often choke on my own saliva because somehow speaking to real people makes me nervous and jerky and breathing and swallowing become a real problem.
I decided this year I am not giving anything away for my two year anniversary like I did for my one year since most of the gifts that I got that I won’t use I think I am going to donate to the local hospice shop because you know ugly carved wood candle sticks are going to really dress up some ones milk carton and plywood coffee table and make it POP!
Or what I mean to say is that I didn’t get any cool iTunes cards that I won’t be able to use because aliens abducted my iPod last year and I basically refuse to get a new one because I know that one day they are coming to get me to take me back. So I am relegated to listening to Ke$ha on the radio and trying to stab my eardrums with and ice pick.
Instead here are my top four (whoa….that’s not a lot of posts) posts that either You have loved, I have loved or the Flacid Tranny Sex Bots have loved.
So thank you all for coming here for the past two years, which is like being a geriatric in bloggy land, and reading the crap I write, it makes me feel like hugging you. If I could see you. Since I’m waiting in this dark closet. You know, to be made out with…yeah YOU!
XOXO
P.S. I was nominated for (nominated my self for)a bloggers choice award. Check it out and vote for me or anyone else you see fit…I’ve got two votes so far so it would be cool to get like two more. In case you haven’t guessed yet I have never been popular and shit so this little life here really makes me feel special. So right now you can check me out here…http://bloggerschoiceawards.com/blogs/show/105269 You do have to sign up but it’s kind of easy but there are few steps involved. Again XOXO from the dark closet.
