Category Archives: Ranting and Ravings

Throat Coats…The New LBD

So earlier today as I was in the middle of eating a hard boiled egg I was told that my presence was requested by a real human being of which I had no idea who they were so this immediately sent me into a chewing frenzy of mastication, salivation and hyperventilation resulting in a portion of the hard boiled yolk being sucked up through my nasal passage into what would be my brain hole if I actually had one. So there I sat for the next 10 minutes trying to snort that thing back down in to my belly where it belongs, or out through my mouth from which it came , only to have it shoot out through my left nostril onto my dress which I then picked up with my own hands and ate it.

Again.

I know.

IRRESISTBLE.

You see even though I haven’t written here in like a month or so, if you want to call that last piece of shit that actually took me longer than four hours to compose, writing? Not much has changed.

I am still a drooly, spittly mess of a non-social creature. Yet I constantly put my self into situations that require me to be (big fucking finger quotes here)

“SOCIAL”

Who could really blame me any way for being so socially shy when one of the two things I can remember from this past summer was hearing about a woman who lost her esophagus and needed part of her tummy turned into her BRAND NEW ESOPHAGUS…albeit swollen esophagus that was now in desperate need of an extra large jacket to  fit over her enlarged esophagus. 

 Holy hell…how do you lose your esophagus you  filthy slut…?

Just kidding.

Seriously though all I could think was ” Were you in Deep Throat? Because you don’t look anything like that nice lady from that movie!“ but it was like 800 years ago so if it was you and what with all that hard work you put in…you deserve a new throat! Or at least a really fucking rad coat for that shiny new esophagus…which is exactly why I am so good at what I do.

I make swollen whore throats all the rage.

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What Can You Do?

When left to my own devices.
 
I can:
 
Drink  100 bucks worth of booze and only be slightly buzzed.
 
Eat food that makes me want to puke and make mouth love to at the same time.
 
Intrigue the woman next to me who is almost equally engrossed in her phone as I am.
 
Time my walk back to my hotel room:

3:40s…

 

Check out the fitness room,

get a fat lip…

possibly a broken nose

and two black eyes.

 
Try to find the ice machine.
 

Get lost.

In a hallway.

*sigh*

 
Skulk back to my room and remember why I am never allowed out in public on my own.
 
Open a 40 dollar split of Burgundy.Or chardonnay.
What ever.
I like to say Burgundy because it sounds KLASSIER.
 
All in about one hour.
 
No fucking joke.
 

One Hour.

I am a menace to my self and all of you.

 

P.S. I am doing a fundraiser.
I have totally been obnoxious about it and I am okay with that.
It’s to benefit the 31 Children who lost a parent in the Chinook Helicopter crash last month in Afghanistan.
The fundraiser is called Fight Gone Bad 6 (it’s the 6th year it’s been happening, my first)  and they are dedicating this years money raised to providing every one of those children with a college scholarship and
whoa…look at me, some how I became the team captain.
My link, should you feel up to donating, is right here.
A Vapid Blonde Does Good.

If you require more info please, please, please, email me at avapidblonde (@) gmail (dot) com and I will answer all your questions.

You can donate to me/my team up until Friday at 6:00 pm (PDT)

It’s a great cause and if you want to see more and not email me…go here.

XOXO

(this is a little of what I have been up to lately.)

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