She called out to me with a challenge….’Tear down the fourth wall. You hear me TEAR DOWN THE FOURTH WALL!’
(Like Reagan to Gorbachev but WAY MORE DRAMATIC!)

Oh my god she is so crazy, why? Why me.  Oh fuck, I was about to meet the INTERNET, in person. Like face to face. No fourth wall to keep up appearances. The only wall to focus on now was one that will for ever peer into your eyes where ever you go!
Yes this weekend I met Ryan and Dorian…

(doesn’t she look nervous about me being in her home..haaa, but she got over it once I assured her that I was not going to  paint over her)

 I will back track a moment. Through a secret portal that Ryan and I have access to we can be magically beamed over to each other’s homes. That’s right, there are magic portals.  I wish I could tell you all how to find them, but it is a lot like finding a unicorn in your back yard. It just kind of happens out of the blue one day and them BLAMMO! YOU OWN A UNICORN.

The first time I was supposed to slip into the portal, all hell broke loose. My hair got stuck in the door as it closed then I realized I forgot to put my pants on so I had to go back through the opening quickly and by that time? Time was up and The Dish’s birthday dinner had to get made and copious amounts of wine needed to be drank.

This day however I was bound and determined to not get stuck in the portal. But I had a dilemma….a very, very serious dilemma. What do you bring to someone from the Internet. I thought about having some of our twitter conversations framed like a whole series of them that she could hang next to Dorian and then I realized my twitter background and Ryan’s? They just don’t match Dorian….sigh, what to bring, WHAT TO BRING???  I asked The Dish and he was all…’I don’t now, but call me when you are done, I don’t want the Internet to kill you!’ (which made me laugh…pfft! who’s ever been killed by the Internet, please) I decided on booze because, OBVIOUSLY.  We both might want a stiff drink especially Ryan when I did one of those fancy schmancy e-brake skidding into the parking spot stunts right in front of her house, like this little girl…

Where I realized that I had forgotten to put on deodorant.

YES, people…I seriously went to meet Ryan, a little nervous and sweaty and apparently a wee bit stinky.

From about 8:00 am until 12:08 pm yesterday I think I was actually breathing and not the kind that requires a brown paper bag in order to regulate it until you pass out kind of breathing. The good ole in and out kind. Sigh. What changed it? Fuckbook is what changed it, that’s what?

As I mentioned the other day (I will direct you to what I am referring to since I think the majority of you were wishing that you had no idea about A Vapid Blonde given your level of interest in that post, but I am needy and this is my blog so here you go…it is only the first paragraph that is relevant) The Dish’s birthday is this weekend and I am planning a fancy pants extravaganza and by fancy I mean everyone is required to wear pants for a good portion of the evening, after the lobster though, all bets or pants are off. Not sure which will happen first and as for extravaganza part I was thinking about setting up a slip and slide down the cliff over the rocks and through the bramble to get to the river that is FILLED with PCPs because I hear the high from PCPs is most excellent.

Back to my breathing issues which by the way have nothing to do with huffing paint okay? I just read The Dish’s status and it’s all about how excited he is for his birthday which sent me spiraling in to a pit of inadequacy and shame.
I. HAVE. NO. GIFT. FOR. HIM. 
Which if you actually went back and read the other post you would understand, this is an ongoing thing.  I am just wondering when he is going to realize that long johns, a shovel and a miners light are not actually spectacular gifts.

 I have a couple of things in mind that I can do….I just need to pull my head out of my ass which is a most challenging endeavor now that it is squarely lodged all up in there. I am going to work on my appearance so my first order of business will be to get my eagle like talons clipped so I can actually put on shoes for the evening or sleep under the covers with out fear of slicing open his femoral artery and having him bleed out on his birthday because that would be just awful.
‘Happy birthday honey, I got you a little death. I hope you enjoy it’ 

I am thinking about hiring an entertainer for the festivities and all I keep coming up with is a clown because The Dish  is way younger than me and then I keep thinking WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? What if he ends up really liking the clown and tries to do a LIVE re-enactment of  the clown porn movie you both just watched …in front of everyone? Talk about awkward!

One thing I have done well is enlisting F I N G E R B A N G to be Chef for the evening.  How in the world did I convince this culinary talent to work a Saturday Evening?…hand job pure powers of persuasive genius. That is how.

Here is the email I sent her:

Subject: Hi Fingerbang, you sexy bitch!

Is the buttering up working?  Yes, oh good. I have a little tale to tell of woe and money…or lack there of.
Seeing as the town has our house valued at over a shit ton of gold bricks (sounds dramatic don’t it) our tax bill is
fucking ridiculous.
To that end The Dish and I changed our plan for his birthday and I am cooking…or rather You and I are if you would
like to help me. If you don’t I understand, but we both love your cooking hmmm mmm mmm mmmm!
We could plan a fancy pants menu with like three fancy pants courses so that by the end of it we won’t be able to fit
in our fancy pants any more.
So you let me know if you, being the very hot number that you are, want to help me make dinner for him for his birthday.
There will be free booze, dancing girls and your very own pair of sequined panties in it for you.
xoxo

 Who could resist such an enticing invitation? NO ONE! That’s who.

And with all of this said I really need to get my Fuck on. Enjoy your weekend. I’ll either be on my hands and knees scrubbing the shit out of the floors, torturing the dogs with lobsters, or funneling entire bottles of wine.

CHEERS!

P.S. Go check out Culture Brats today (or everyday if you want to be one of the cool kids) my first post is up after 8:00 am.