Along with being a spy I think I am a vampire. I hate garlic. Please don’t leave me because of this. Garlic actually makes me sick. Not in the ‘you useless piece of shit Garlic, what have you ever done with your life’ kind of way but more in the ‘I think I am about to give birth to an alien through my chest cavity’ kind of way when I eat it. I know you are thinking ‘hey Vapid, you just have an allergy’.  To that I will counter, what about my excellent sense of smell?  …..yes I will wait for you to figure that out. AND if you remember I also had a fang. Yes, a fang, so put all these things together and I have to feel that the evidence is irrefutable.  Combine all that with the fact that all I wanted to do was hide in my closet (the only room in the house without a window) all fucking weekend and BAM….Vampire!  There you have it.I am going to make such a kick ass gang leader vampiric blood sucking spy,  its insane.

I just need to figure out a way to get out of the closet on sunny days. In fact this past weekend I did indeed go outside I just took a super duper courage pill that actually allowed me to go outside with out bursting into flames and much to my chagrin I really enjoyed the sunshine.

Go figure.

I was immediately drawn back into the shadows however, contemplating the secret of A Vapid Blonde.

Like the late in the day shadows this secret is getting long and drawn out. 
(like how I created that hallmark kind of imagery there? yeah I just patted my self on the ass and winked at myself)

I dislike secrets so when I was presented with not so much a question as a statement of either/or  I chose to say or. And by that I mean I let my MOTHER in on a part of my secret.

AVB: Yes Mom, I write a blog. It’s a humor blog

Mom: I don’t know what that means.

AVB: Well it’s a HUMOR BLOG and I have an advertiser…they are a sex toy blog.

Mom: I have to go.
(the reason she HAD to go: *loud whisper* SEX)

AVB: And I am going to a blogging conference in NYC in August.

Mom: You be careful. I have to go. I love you good bye.
(the reason she HAD to go now: because you all are Internet zombies who are going to leave me chopped up in a gutter in NYC after you eat my brains and steal my soul at Blogher)

AVB: I love you too, Bye.

Dialing back her phone immediately.

AVB: Do me a favor and don’t tell Brother. He won’t get it. And don’t ask me the address.

Mom: I won’t say anything and I don’t want to know the site address, I don’t want to read it.

So while I didn’t tell her who I am online, she knows I write a blog and that I have a fucking potty mouth, and that I have a secret that I am tired of keeping to myself.

I fucking enjoy writing here. In fact I fucking love it. And I will continue to do so. With as much candor as I can muster.  And with that I am almost out of my blogging closet which is good since it was getting stuffy in the closet with all the clothes and shoes and shit I have stored in there. 

And with lovely surprises like being featured on Mom Dots Top 100 Mom Blogs I need to start preparing for a future of  living in the public eye…or something, don’t you think? Man,  there are some heavy dutly rockstar Mom’s on that list!

(I know. I am not a mom but some how I finagled my way on to the list at # 64…maybe it is the fact that I feel like I am giving birth to an alien from my chest cavity when I eat garlic.)

Quicky (heh, I said quicky) little disclaimer here…might not be the most humorous post, but I’m trying to find the funny.

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 I have been super busy ya know. With the mayhem and My Ice Giant I can hardly find a minute to myself these days.  Let alone cleaning. I think I may have given that and showering up for lent, it is all overrated.  (who am I kidding I never really did any of that anyway)

I did receive a lovely award from The Homemaker Man over at Musings From the Big Pink and that really made me quite happy and since I am noticing a trend here…I am going to dedicate a whole other page to all of the awards that are coming my way…I’ll let you know when the Nobel Prize for Vapid Rantings and Ravings is awarded to MOI! But we will start here.

As shocking as this sounds…with how busy I have been with the awards and the gang banging and all I still have found time to contemplate my strange and wonderful family…you know those people that no matter what are always a part of you through love and DNA.

My dad is a steadfast man. If he says it is…then it is. Period. What ever IT is. This is a conversation I could totally see having with my dad.

scene: I arrive around eleven in the morning through the kitchen door, yell hi to announce my arrival, make a right into the bathroom and pee then announce that I am starving and whats for lunch. Mom walks in.

Mom: Hellooo. How was your drive?
AVB: Fine…sped all the way here as fast and recklessly as I could. I am going to go say hi to dad, I’ll be right back.
(head to the family room where he is in his chair doing a crossword)
AVB: Hi dad…uh…Dad? What happened to your arm?
Dad: What do you mean.
AVB: Well….(thinking hard) Your arm is missing?
Dad: I am not missing an arm, you are mistaken.
AVB: Really Dad? Because I distinctly remember you having two arms the last time I saw you.
Dad: I am exactly as I have always been.

(me blinking my eyes and looking to my mother for insight)

Mom: He’s crazy.
AVB: Would SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED TO DADS ARM?

(silence, followed by pencil scratches on the newspaper)

AVB: Sooo, what did you say you were making for lunch?

(Scene.)

My mom has been in the hospital for the past 10 or so days. It started out as her being admitted to observe her while they changed her meds and now TEN days later they haven’t released her AND she has acquired a shiny brand spanking new never before worn pacemaker. I think she just wanted to be like my dad because he has one too, but hers is new and shiny.  The entire time the phone conversations are  kind of vague and  not alarming at all and little by little, day by day time has gone on and the “non-invasive” procedures, the “routine” procedures are becoming more invasive and less routine. They have their stories down pat and have said time and again there is no need to come 0ut and there is no need to worry. But I find myself worrying and worrying a lot. I also find myself feeling kind of awful that life has been busy and I haven’t gone to visit. We have talked everyday at least twice a day. But what am I to do…they keep telling me to stay away. So I have.

Its as if keeping me in the dark will protect me from…oh I don’t know, lets say my family HEALTH HISTORY!

So one day if I wake up and suddenly one of my arms is missing it will be a total mystery. I will wake up and the arm will have run away with out warning, with out a good bye note to tell my why….it’s just part of who I am, you know a genetic kind of thing.