Aug 12 2010

What Did I Do? WHAT DID I DO?

 

I danced with grace, with a Muskrat,  with a bug and a mac.

I passed out cards for a bird, a brat and a blonde.

I was embraced by the alternative , I panicked when I thought I lost my new found Brilliance.

I stalked a Czar.

I waited until midnight to put on my tubesocks but instead I just tied one on…Thanks a lot Chuck!

I cavorted with a toy, accepted a gift, in return I procured street meat like a stealth ninja in about 2 minutes.

(oh yeah, that street meat!)

I was showered with unicorns, ninja duckies and owls all without ever actually showering.

I met up with a chick, a weird girl and a girl who is on the spot.

I missed being cool, and I missed being blue, two things I really wanted to say HI to.

We all agreed we needed someone to keep us awake and that there just wasn’t enough poo around.

I missed riding a mechanical bull, that will have to wait for you know who, don’t you think so?

I even met Avitable and wasn’t AvitaBALLED…Thank fucking god.

Armed with a constant flow of very expensive booze I worked my way through the entire weekend with my Glitter Gang Bangers sprinkling my custom jelly bracelets, three separate blog cards and wit onto anyone who would listen long enough to my babble. Madly stalking anyone I recognized. Yes, I would randomly go up to people and say

‘you are so and so, right? Love me…please.’

Much to my relief no one sprayed mace in my eyes or yelled for security.

I ate two cheeseburgers one right after another at midnight followed by pizza in times square at about 3:00 am

 I did this all Thursday to Sunday with only half a xanax flowing through my veins.

Should you inquire about the sessions at Blogher my response would be:

Sessions?  There were sessions?

 

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56 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , | posted in Making light of life, Not The Usual, Ranting and Ravings

Aug 3 2010

Blogher and My Gay German Refrigerator

This was supposed to be a post about my German refrigerator Otto Lothar Alberich* who started to protest his position in this house  after not quite three years of  clean and crisp German service…
So I called the refrigerator repair guy and he came in and stuck a long hose in Otto’s drain and blew really hard and I am pretty sure my refrigerator is gay because it’s stopped all the buzzing and leaking.
See what  a hundred and fifty bucks,  a refrigerator blow job and some opening and closing of the door will do?
open
 

close
 
open
 
close
(must be some kind of refrigerator foreplay)
 
Instead I decided to develop a raging case of panic.
Ha…you thought I was going to say chlamydia, didn’t you?
WELL, you would be terribly wrong.
It’s because I am going to Blogher 2010 in two days and this is the first post I have written since 1982 so I really have no business going to a blogging conference for women now do I?
Especially seeing as though I am actually a 12 year old boy. I keep telling you people this but you all just gloss over that fact like it’s not true but when my mom drops me off won’t you be surprised.

On the bright side I am pretty sure there is a butt load of xanax waiting for me over at the pharmacy so WHEEE!

(maybe I am not going to be all panicky after all.)

It’s this whole idea I got into my head that I somehow belonged at this conference with real writer types that just boggles my mind.

WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?
I don’t even like talking on the phone for crying out loud.
For me the wonderful thing about “social” media is that there really isn’t any actual in person and live socializing going on because I have a problem with this kind of thing.
I can’t even accept a blog award gracefully from these two lovely ladies so it is clear that I should be sitting this one out, but instead I am going to load up the car with 50 life size card board cutouts fashioned in my likeness and haul them down to NYC , prop them up every where and have them take notes and do the meet and greet so I can sit quietly in my room alone with the shades drawn staring at the glowing screen of my computer right where I am most comfortable.
So might I suggest some valuable reading over to the right on my blogroll…any one of those links will take you to a far better, far more prolific place than this cracked and parched barren landscape.

 

P.S. Should you decide you would like to read more of this crap (bwaahaahaa, I am funny sometimes,  right?) I added a nifty little email subscription to the right of this or any post title, go ahead you can be one of all three cool kids who have subscribed.
P.P.S. I think I actually succeeded in posting about *Otto Lothar Alberich (wealthy loud warrior elf ruler)
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38 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , | posted in Making light of life, Melt Downs, Ranting and Ravings, because I'm a pussy