I am pretty sure my local grocery store is totally mind fucking me and quite frankly I am not that happy about it.

I do enough damage on my own, thank you very much.

It all started about a year and a half ago when I entered a raffle and won.
I won a mountain bike.
This is kind of like a vegan winning a cow that sits there looks and at you with those cute little blinking cow eyes that are too far apart.
You know the cow eyes I’m talking about.
That’s about how much I would use a mountain bike.

 
Then there is their meat.
Their meat doesn’t come with a disclaimer  that says “FLAVOR ENHANCED” and their meat doesn’t actually seep out white gelatinous goo when cooked.
Their meat is local and grass fed.
So you can see why I am addicted to their meat.

So I can’t understand why they would sell me a hunk of 15 dollar cheese named Prima Donna…
that when I got it home I realized the underside was COVERED in mold. 

Are you trying to kill me my beloved Local Grocer?  Or are you trying to make me go broke?

I vote for you are trying to KILL me, because NOT two day’s later as I was minding my own business picking out tomatoes through the swarm of fruit flies, all the while being  hawked on by the creepy ‘Children of The Corn’ produce guy that THIS melon, this ragged street cred honey dew melon tried to knock me out.

Not once, not twice, but three mother fucking times did that Melon jump off it’s pile at me all angry and shit!And because I was worried that the creepy ‘Children of The Corn’ produce guy was going to come at me clacking together a couple of ears of corn, I put it back three times not realizing it was the
Evil Satan Melon of DOOM.

 Just when I am about to cut you out of my life once and for all, 
you my Dear Local Grocer, 
you pull this crap out or your  fun bag of tricks.

Seriously, how can I EVER shop anywhere else?

Well played my Dear Local Grocer, well played.

I danced with grace, with a Muskrat,  with a bug and a mac.

I passed out cards for a bird, a brat and a blonde.

I was embraced by the alternative , I panicked when I thought I lost my new found Brilliance.

I stalked a Czar.

I waited until midnight to put on my tubesocks but instead I just tied one on…Thanks a lot Chuck!

I cavorted with a toy, accepted a gift, in return I procured street meat like a stealth ninja in about 2 minutes.

(oh yeah, that street meat!)

I was showered with unicorns, ninja duckies and owls all without ever actually showering.

I met up with a chick, a weird girl and a girl who is on the spot.

I missed being cool, and I missed being blue, two things I really wanted to say HI to.

We all agreed we needed someone to keep us awake and that there just wasn’t enough poo around.

I missed riding a mechanical bull, that will have to wait for you know who, don’t you think so?

I even met Avitable and wasn’t AvitaBALLED…Thank fucking god.

Armed with a constant flow of very expensive booze I worked my way through the entire weekend with my Glitter Gang Bangers sprinkling my custom jelly bracelets, three separate blog cards and wit onto anyone who would listen long enough to my babble. Madly stalking anyone I recognized. Yes, I would randomly go up to people and say

‘you are so and so, right? Love me…please.’

Much to my relief no one sprayed mace in my eyes or yelled for security.

I ate two cheeseburgers one right after another at midnight followed by pizza in times square at about 3:00 am

 I did this all Thursday to Sunday with only half a xanax flowing through my veins.

Should you inquire about the sessions at Blogher my response would be:

Sessions?  There were sessions?