A Rose by Any Other Name Would Still Be A Strip Bar
Here, cootchie cootchie coo….I go to strip clubs with The Dish. Not all the time…occasionally. I mean its not like he goes all the time, and I don’t go with him every time. But they are kind of fun…or interesting…or downright hilarious and disgusting.
Wouldn’t you think a place called The Kings Inn would be like some kind of medieval castle with grog and wenches and well knights and kings and queens too? Yah, not so much. I got lap dance there, and I almost made a dollar…but then we had to leave quickly. Come to think of it there were wenches with grog and possibly a Tranny, a very large tranny trying to woo one of our very large friends…GRRRR!
Then there is Shotgun Willies…probably the best one I have been to three times. Fairly clean and all, but only bottle beer and the bathroom, well at least I didn’t get crabs or anything. Although on the flight home I swore I got bugs of some sort cause I was as itchy as a heroine addict.
I have been to Larry Flynt’s Barely Legal in New Orleans…that was actually a really fun evening. There was one entertaining stripper who took money out of my husbands pocket, pushed him away and doted on me for a bit, she may have had some issues. But the funniest was when she was maneuvering her pole and lost her grip and bonked down on the floor on her head with her girl bits all flailing in the smoke and strobes! Priceless. Its hard enough to maintain a shred of dignity when you slip up, fully clothed? Poor thing. Also don’t be rude to The Dish, take his money that could be buying me another beer and expect to get away with it with out some kind of karmic retribution.
You gotta love names like The Glass Slipper. ‘Hey Cinderella, you forgot your shoes…oh and your clothes, oh and what is this looky here dollar bills all over the floor…did you loose your purse…WHOA, WAIT. A. MINUTE!?! Cinderella never did that trying to get into a pumpkin!” Seriously, The Glass Fucking Slipper?
Or you could step it up a notch to The Foxy Lady…where the nice women give you massages. Seriously, she was good and it really was a massage….ehh eh ehhh…no there was no happy ending, in fact it was a rather abrupt ending because The Dish only paid for one song, but it was good. Oh and the young naked lady who showed me her balloon knot was very sweet…but she got stuck in my hair. Her earring became entangled in my hair…and well when I woke up in bed with a naked blonde women with her earrings entangled in my hair, well you could imagine my husbands rage and anger…when I asked him to help get her untangled because I had to go pee and really didn’t want to bring her with me.
Then there was the time the The Dish and I went out to dinner with another couple and some how we ended up a place called Castaways…I tell you these guys who name these places, what creativity. Really, it should have been called Cast Offs…or Misfits…or ‘Naked Girls In What Looks Like Your Parents Wood Paneled Basement With Your Brother Playing Strip Club DJ’ No really, that is like the most genius name for Castaways. Because Castaways makes me think of a beach and palm trees. Not indoor/out door carpeting with a rickety platform that you fear for the safety the stripper and your self….or me for that matter. It was really like a family here, when the next girl failed to show up for her three minutes of fame and glory, the bartender took one for the team and got right up there, took off her top and bounced around a bit until Paris burst onto the stage in what seemed like a hail of dud firecrackers…*pffft* I am not really sure why I felt bad for Paris…but I did, so I gave her a dollar and I think she may have wanted to find out what it would be like to have long straight silky blonde pubic hair because when she pulled away…my hair? Well it was stuck…STUCK ON STRIPPER VAGINA. I am not sure why it was stuck but it was. I think I may be gagging right now, also laughing at the memory. But when our friends wife pondered why we were there I thought…This is why, so you can all remember my hair being stuck to Paris’ vagina. I have given you a memory of a lifetime, something to share with your grand kids over a bottle of Wild Turkey…’Hey did I ever tell you about the time Auntie A Vapid Blonde got her hair stuck in Paris’ Vagina…whooo hooo what a night!’
I think I’ll write a poem, possibly a Haiku…
Poor Paris’ bits
Bald but sticky
Blonde Bush Rocks!
(feel free to write a haiku here if you like)
One last amazing thing about Strip Gentlemen’s Clubs…The Buffet…What. The. Fuck. Which one of you has ever eaten from one…I want to hear about it! Also, got to love the name Legs and Eggs, The Breakfast of Champions!
Good times.
???
P.S. 99% of this post is absolutely true.
December 1st, 2009 at 6:24 am
I wrote some haikus to describe my feelings for your post:
Hair on stripper vag,
Not as sexy as I thought.
Please try again soon.
Hair stuck to stripper,
Should have been sexy but not.
Need to go shower.
Stripper’s sticky vag,
Caught AVB’s long blonde hair…
Why am I grossed out?
Bill´s last blog ..Knocking on Wood
December 1st, 2009 at 7:41 am
@daddyistired I love them all…the Haikus that is. They all describe exactly how I felt that night
in Paris. Heh!
December 1st, 2009 at 1:41 pm
The Glass slipper one was hilarious. We shan’t go into my stipper/stripclub stories. They are vanquished to history and really drunk story telling. But at least my hair didn’t get stuck in the roast beef sandwiches.
Nice haikus btw
mepsipax´s last blog ..What the faeries?
December 1st, 2009 at 5:23 pm
They can be a vat of hilarity if you can find the humor….I seem to attract it when I go! Maybe you need to write a tell all post…But all in haiku form that would be great!
December 1st, 2009 at 6:27 pm
Wow. I don’t *do* strip clubs…I can’t get myself to understand them. Your experience, however? Hilarious.
Jessica´s last blog ..pictures! yay! and something forthcoming.
December 1st, 2009 at 9:03 pm
The only way I got to understand them…was to *do* them! Also most times, from what I have found, actually pretty much all times is
that they are hysterical.
December 1st, 2009 at 11:34 pm
Wow. I mean yeah. Wow. You should never eat at strip club buffets.
Bee´s last blog ..How deep can a cotton swab go?
December 2nd, 2009 at 7:43 am
That was my thought to Bee, one might get the clap from it!
December 2nd, 2009 at 10:20 pm
Your post inspired haikus! Dude, you are like officially a MUSE now! You are a poet + a MUSE all in one.
Ours has a boring name: Heavenly Bodies. (btw, I googled to make sure I remembered the name correctly. The “reviews” on Yelp cracked me up…)
submom´s last blog ..Hello, December!
December 2nd, 2009 at 10:30 pm
Heavenly Bodies…wow, some of the bodies that I have seen at these places are more like Bodies the size of Pluto.
The haikus are good, and Thank you!
Going over the list of the places I have been I was all like I may just be a strip club junkie of
sorts.
December 3rd, 2009 at 7:00 pm
There’s one here called DejaVu. There aren’t too many strip clubs here. Oh there’s one across the stateline called… “Stateline Strip Club” seriously? That’s the best they could come up with. I’ve never been to a strip club myself. I’ve heard the ladies at the Stateline are not very worth the trip though. According to my pervy uncle.
Randa´s last blog ..Because Aunt Becky Told Me to.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:00 pm
Sorry but I don’t want anybody’s vagina NEAR my hair. Or my face. Or my vagina. I must go shower now and think happy thoughts…Penis penis penis penis penis penis penis
Amanda´s last blog ..And The Winner Is…
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:17 pm
Yet…. I mean YET!!!! YOU will give away your SCALLOP! Your $2700 scallop for what??? Also I am sure I need a shower too, but I am lazzzy as hell.
December 4th, 2009 at 7:36 am
I love that you have a pervy uncle too! Mine is now divorced from the family.
December 6th, 2009 at 12:37 am
I just want to say, as a proudly retired stripper, I am totally on your side. Strip clubs are hilarious. I justified it by looking at the profession as a giant sociological/psychological experiment. Strip clubs really are a microcosm of the world. A very sad, scary, and sometimes funny microcosm. As for funny names… Big Earl’s Goldmine, Teaser’s Palace, Pandora’s Box….
December 6th, 2009 at 8:43 am
Thank you for your input, I think people (women) take the idea of a Strip Bar too seriously, when it comes to their spouses
or boyfriends going to one. As I did for a while until I went with my then fiance and realized it wasn’t anything for me to be
worried about. I have had some very fun and obviously memorable experiences. Also? Pandora’s Box has got to be one
of the best names EVER!
December 9th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
foxy lady?
legs n eggs?
cheaters?
i know where you live!
December 9th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
Aha…no you don’t. You know where friends of mine live.
December 9th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
Also thanks for stopping by!
December 20th, 2009 at 3:05 am
Definitely one of your better posts. Is it okay if I Stumble this post?
December 20th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
Thanks!
December 21st, 2009 at 12:57 pm
What a laugh! I thought that only blokes went to strip bars,I didn’t realise some fellas take their birds!Wow the world is becoming emancipated!The next thing will be women going to hen nights and buying sex toys!
Simon´s last blog ..History
December 21st, 2009 at 5:45 pm
Haaa haa, we do indeed go! Some of us anyway. They are a hoot!
January 31st, 2010 at 10:27 am
oh man, you so need to get yourself and The Dish to Amsterdam. Really. When I was young and political I was totally offended by strip clubs. In fact I lived next door to one in Portland, Oregon and every day I would put a sticker on their door “This is offensive and degrading to women”. What an idiot I was.
Since I’ve lived in the Netherlands, I actually find strip and sex clubs hilarious. I especially love the peep shows and let us not forget the Banana Bar where they proudly use 50KG of bananas every day (and they ain’t eatin’ ‘em) for their “performances”.
Mental note made to wander around amsterdam one day and jot down the names of these places. bet we could have a giggle over them!
Renée´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday – A Double Dose of Dutch
January 31st, 2010 at 7:41 pm
I believe that my husband has been there and has actualy gone to a sex show when he was
younger…It’s foreign to me. But what an experience it must be!
March 26th, 2010 at 12:14 pm
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