I Am Pretty Sure Spittling On People Is Socially Unacceptable
Oh being socially awkward is so much fun. And by fun I mean completely fucking horrifying. Why is it so hard for me to say hello to someone with out breaking out in a sweat and quite possibly squeaking out a nervous fart…if I actually farted…
but I don’t.
Or how about when I go to speak and instead I inhale my own saliva and start coughing insanely which leads to my eyes tearing up or bleeding…because it totally feels like bleeding which leads to a really WONDERFUL blend of coughing, burping and vomiting.
Ooh hot stuff.
People usually think that I am a snob because I will often hide in a corner drinking my wine not interacting with anyone (even in my own home) but in my heart I believe I am just protecting you from my biological matter that I might spew at you if we actually spoke. You can thank me now or later and preferably in an email so I don’t actually have to speak. I have in fact been called a snob (I actually typed snot which may be more accurate) by someone repeatedly one night at a dinner, that was fun too. So fun I killed him. (I am sorry, that’s a lie I didn’t kill him in reality, but in my mind….HE IS DEAD TO ME!) I mean would it be so hard to consider the fact that I might just be shy and you are actually making me more damaged? I hope you feel good about your self at night. How can you even sleep?
The Dish was getting more tattoo work done Wednesday evening and I went along to be a groupie and I totally would have gotten a tattoo from their guest artist but trying to engage her in a conversation was like trying to put a cat in a bathtub full of water…and that cat was me. The Dish actually asked his tattoo artist to introduce me to her because I am shy, but before that happened I sauntered over to her…snorted and said something that sounded a lot like click language…all squeaks and clicks and maybe some eye twitching and I swear at one point I saw a thought bubble pop out of her head that said “Some one please get this lunatic away from me before she spittles on me one more time”.
And after I told her how much I love the skulls she does (they are way cool just trust me on that) and drooled a bit I sat back down and wiped the beads of sweat off of my forehead and wished I could disappear into the upholstery. And for the rest of the time she sat there with her back to me…most likely pretending that I was not sitting behind her crying.
I totally have to psych myself up to walk into almost any social situation because sometimes these things happen at odd hours of the day when downing a martini (up and dirty) is not really appropriate behaviour like meetings with your boss…or doctors appointments…or giant blogging conferences in NYC in August for instance, etc. blah blah blah.
Sometimes I wish I could be like one of those people who walk into a room and their energy is palpable. One of those people who charms the pants off of everyone around them (because that would be an awesome super power). One of those people who never chokes on their words and says things like ‘I just got a blow job’, when they meant to say a blow dry for their hair.
But I am not.
I am just a chick who snorts when I laugh and dances like a fool who will probably end up emabarassing the shit out of you somewhere along the way.
*bats eyelashes and trips as she walks away*
March 12th, 2010 at 7:41 am
Why do I think you are far harder on yourself than you should be…. at any rate, you can embarrass me publicly anytime you choose, I will make up for it by daring any mother fucker in the place to say a word. I am sort of the opposite, I so give a fuck less what anyone thinks that I just walk in rooms like no one else is there and commence to own them. Together, we will spit on and own the world. It’s perfect!!
Wicked Shawn´s last blog ..Wicked Wednesday Q & A
March 12th, 2010 at 7:49 am
@Wicked Shawn I am sure no one really notices how hot my chest cavity is when I am engaging in ‘social’ activities it is totally internal but there nevertheless. But having a background in theatre definitely helps the situation. Honestly I don’t even think its about what other people think…its a physical reaction that I really can’t control. But once I AM comfortable…watch the fuck out!!! You and me rockin’ the ownership!
March 12th, 2010 at 8:57 am
I, too, am a complete mess in social situations…even the grocery store challenges me! Have you ever seen someone you know in the frozen food section and literally scamper to the produce aisle to avoid just saying hello to him/her? Ugh!
Linda Treiber´s last blog ..I Give You the Future President Of The United States
March 12th, 2010 at 9:49 am
you know i share this dreadful social awkardness with you. i break out in a sweat and turn tomato red. it’s uber attractive. i can’t speak to any authority figures or anyone i think is the bomb-diggety without becoming completely unglued and a bumbling idiot.
i’ve been called standoffish and stuck-up. i’m really full of love and admiration.
and i can’t be in the spotlight. so no presentations or showing the room what a dazzling mofo i am.
damn, i want that super power you describe! or vodka and percocets whenever necessary.
pattypunker´s last blog ..i’m in big trouble
March 12th, 2010 at 10:07 am
Ahahaha, I snort when I laugh too! It’s completely involuntary and after many years of suppressed laughter I’ve decided everyone else can suck it. It’s my laugh and I’ll do it my own way, goddammit! The worst are the imposters: you know, the ones who snort just stand out, but you know they’re doing it on purpose. Fucking posers.
I’m also very clumsy by nature. I’ve managed to trip walking UP the stairs. WTF?
The worst for me, though, is my insane blushing. Whenever I sing in front of a crowd (which is fairly often considering I’m a classical/opera singer) I get red blotches all over my neck and upper chest. It also happens when I’m excited (*ahem* read into that what you will), angry, or have been crying. I’m very fair skinned, so it’s easy to see. When I perform, I have to wear heavy makeup on my neck and upper chest so the crowd doesn’t think I’m having a violent allergic reaction. I also turn blotchy when I drink. It’s a pain in my ass; one look at me and you can tell if I’m horny, drunk, nervous, or pissed off.
Leigha´s last blog ..Well Crap
March 12th, 2010 at 10:11 am
@Linda How about turning on your heals and leaving the supermarket entirely and driving back the way you just came to go to another supermarket…oh yeah that is easier than dealing with seeing that person in every other aisle…sigh.
March 12th, 2010 at 10:12 am
@Patty Punker It is so bizarre that I use to be in acting….but I guess it’s the difference in playing a character vs. being me! Cheers Doll!
March 12th, 2010 at 10:14 am
@Leigha Oh my God….singing in public. I only sing alone in my house when I am trying to sound like Irma Thomas. When I get really upset my esophagus gets all hot like its on fire! You are brave to go out on stage, but I am sure you have the skillz to back it up. I too am very fair skinned, just look at me the wrong way and I bruise…inside and out!
March 12th, 2010 at 11:32 am
This is how I felt about changing my avatar. Ahhh, if they see the “real” me I’m going to lose followers. I can definitely relate to this post, although I have to say with age I am getting better.
toywithme´s last blog ..I’m Installing A Panic Room, For Sex
March 12th, 2010 at 11:52 am
@ToyWithMe I noticed you changed your av the other day and I like it….I keep wondering what it is that you are doing in it? And you are right age does help for the most part!
March 12th, 2010 at 12:12 pm
Now just hold the phone a minute…are you saying that Blogher is not the place for martinis? I’ve been duped.
Elly Lou´s last blog ..Secret Codes and Tinnitus
March 12th, 2010 at 12:17 pm
oh, i so get how you could be in theater. my friend describes it as painfully shy and radically exhibitionist. who cares about being judged when i’m role playing. but being judged as me, murderous.
pattypunker´s last blog ..i’m in big trouble
March 12th, 2010 at 12:19 pm
@Elly Lou….you are so right, that did come out wrong, I was thinking about breakfast time martinis NOT the rest of the day. You know I am going to be walking around with a cane that acutally is a flask incognito.
March 12th, 2010 at 12:20 pm
@Patty Punker ohhhh the horror of it!
March 12th, 2010 at 2:03 pm
Perhaps if you just made a point of always saying, ‘I just got a blow job’ when you walk into a room, then you could put the fear aside since you’ve already done what you feared?
I mean, if it’s between that and showing up naked, you should probably choose that option since showing up naked can get you in trouble in some places.
However… it would turn every staff or office meeting into one no one would dread going to anymore.
fracas´s last blog ..Craving Pickles and Ice Cream?
March 12th, 2010 at 2:13 pm
@Fracas I think you are right….oh it’s Easter Dinner…”Do you like my hair because I just got a blow job” Then my husband who has a maginificent skull could chime in and say something like “Where the hell is mine?” and then I would be all like “dude you’re bald, what would I give you a blow job on??” And then we would all laugh at what an ass I am when I realized my faux pas.
And I think I will pass on the naked meeting thing…very very shy!
March 12th, 2010 at 3:18 pm
Don’t worry your pretty little head – you’ll be so consumed by trying to figure out just what, exactly, I’m saying you won’t be able to snort or fart or sing or anything.
I didn’t used to be like this, but lately (last, oh, I don’t know 6 years) I speak drunk even when I’m sober – like stone cold, not even hungover.
I’ll be in the middle of talking to someone and I’ll see them replaying my comments in their head desperate for a Sue’eeze to English dictionary.
Yup.
We’re gonna ROCK new york!
lagunatic´s last blog ..Tub nuggets, CHEERS!
March 12th, 2010 at 3:23 pm
I am a socially disabled! I am the girl in the corner that pulls on her shirt and stares at her shoes the whole time. I really feel your pain… I really do! People just don’t understand the love that comes with that spittle!
March 12th, 2010 at 3:31 pm
@Lagunatic you are so my kind of lunatic. Sometimes The Dish looks at me like I have two heads, then I realize I am talking gobbledygook. But I know exactly what I mean to say so it’s all good! I will just smile politely and let you do the talking so as not to drool all over anyone!
March 12th, 2010 at 3:32 pm
@Ali I could so go for a cupcake right now, it would keep my mouth in check so that I can’t fit a foot in there. And as long as you have hot shoes staring at them is perfectly acceptable! *High Five*
March 12th, 2010 at 4:35 pm
I am a bit heartbroken that I won’t be with all of you! Maybe I will have to come to NYC just to hang out with all of my cool bloggy friends.
Wicked Shawn´s last blog ..Wicked Wednesday Q & A
March 12th, 2010 at 4:49 pm
@Wicked Shawn You should totally come…and bring your fabulous shoes. ALL. OF. THEM!
March 12th, 2010 at 5:19 pm
You and my husband should meet. He’s called a snob all the time. Because he is.
Kidding!
He’s incredibly shy. So am I. You should see the two of us out on the town. CRAZY.
Don’t worry about New York, all of us socially retarded geeks will have each other’s backs…
Amanda@Brilliant Sulk´s last blog ..I Think I Just Saved $280,000
March 12th, 2010 at 5:28 pm
@Amanda When The Dish and I go out its like two cavemen stepping out of the cave for the first time only he is less hairy! I am so glad you’ve got my back just try not to make fun of my BACKNE…okay?
March 12th, 2010 at 11:29 pm
I’m sure you’ve done far worse than that before. I doubt she was bothered by it at all (she’s probably had people do MUCH worse as well).
March 12th, 2010 at 11:33 pm
@Reid Adair truth be told…we both thought she was a bit off, even my odd sweating and gargling aside. I am pretty sure I was not the only odd ball in the room.
March 13th, 2010 at 11:03 am
all this talk of social awkwardness is making me warm & fuzzy….the only relief is social obnoxiousness but it’s like heroin for the morphine addict
rapjack´s last blog ..The Whoopie Pie that tamed The Scorpion
March 13th, 2010 at 1:31 pm
Dude. I totally have a horrible time forcing myself not to be totally and completely socially awkward. And then I feel like I need to apologize for my social anxiety and then I think people are just nice to me because they feel sorry for me. So, I just sit and knit and then people come up to me and ask me what I’m making and for some reason, they often are confused and think I’m cool. You should start knitting so that people will come up to you. It’s insane.
Windsor Grace´s last blog ..This is why I won’t ghost hunt inside
March 13th, 2010 at 7:13 pm
@Windsor Grace I am not a good knitter. I tried once and I may have told you how when you knit and drink your scarf usually ends up looking like a web woven by a spider with a weaving disability. And I am not sure I would trust my self with NEEDLES in public.
March 14th, 2010 at 2:09 pm
Don’t feel bad, they should be the ones feeling bad. They are the ones being so blatantly intolerant of your chosen language and modes of expression. You should sue them.
Bridget´s last blog ..Daylight Slavings Time
March 14th, 2010 at 2:20 pm
@Bridget Thank you, you are so right. I am calling my lawyer as we speak. (or type)
March 14th, 2010 at 2:28 pm
Aww. It’s okay, social awkwardness is the new black. Soon it’ll be like on Wall-E, where touching hands almost = sex.
If I met you in person, I’d push you out of your comfort zone a little – to help you (since conversation will seem like nothing after dealing with me), and because I like making people squirm.
I used to be super shy, but then I realised: I don’t really give a shit. Now I’m just inappropriate.
March 14th, 2010 at 2:31 pm
@Procrastinateher Most of the time I too am inappropriate, especially once I get to know you. I’b be cool with being a little squirmy. I am used to it after all.
March 14th, 2010 at 9:07 pm
I’m with Elly on this one. I was under the impression that BlogHer was a series of opportunities to drink under the guise of some sort of blog convention.
Apparently I need to straighten up and fly right.
A little spittle between friends is nothing compared to someone vomiting in your open toed shoes so I wouldn’t worry.
kelly´s last blog ..Spring?
March 14th, 2010 at 9:14 pm
@Dufmanno Trust me when I say I am hoarding all the booze and panic pills I can find until then. I am going to blame my social drooling on all the booze!
March 15th, 2010 at 7:17 pm
you know, you could turn the tables on yourself and do a whole social experiment – documenting reactions. You might just be onto something. I mean really – do you really want to talk to people?
Ry Sal´s last blog ..Life is Good.
March 15th, 2010 at 7:48 pm
@Ry maybe that is how I could be more out going, by hiding behind a camera. And no I usually don’t really want to talk to people but there are times when it is necessary…no? Sometimes its actually fun to get all sweaty and flushed when talking to people…I think they think it is sexy. (ha!)
March 16th, 2010 at 4:50 am
I am the same way! yes, laugh all you want but I am shy in social situations. Just can’t bring myself to break the ice. Fear of rejection I reckoned. So the cure? Alcohol. Lots of it. When I first came here, my English was not that good. I learned that if I walked around with alcohol in my hand, people would tend to strike up a conversation first. (Why was that?!) Anyway, no worries about us meeting in NYC. We will do the screaming and running and hugging and jumping up and down thing. Totally.
p.s. THAT skull tattoo IS sweet!
March 16th, 2010 at 5:22 am
@SubWOW Have I told you lately that I love you! Could we really be that obnoxious and do the squealing thing in public…I THINK SO! And don’t you know alcohol make the world go ’round.
March 16th, 2010 at 5:41 am
Love you too! I can’t wait to see your tats.
(Almost spelled it wrong and wrote taints… Ewww. The things we learned from Elly… LOL)
subWOW´s last blog ..Vote for the Best Just Posts of 2009!
March 16th, 2010 at 6:13 am
@SubWOW Don’t worry I will not be showing you my taint. and EWW is right!
March 16th, 2010 at 7:22 pm
THIS ironically makes me pee myself!
James´s last blog ..Gaming and Shaming
March 16th, 2010 at 8:49 pm
@James AWESOME I really enjoy making people piss their pants, in the best possible way!
March 18th, 2010 at 10:29 pm
lol… can I come to easter dinner with you?
fracas´s last blog ..She’s Been Gone So Long…
March 18th, 2010 at 10:34 pm
@Fracas Holy shit….please do! You bring the eggs and I willl get the dye and booze.
August 3rd, 2010 at 7:57 am
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