I swear the supermarket is the over the hill meat market. Hopefully though the actual meat there isn’t over the hill, but if it was it would be called mutton right? If it is old lamb. Hogget is a juvenile delinquent lamb. And why do old lambs get a new name but old chickens are just old chickens? I am not so sure the chickens really appreciate this…or maybe the old lambs feel discriminated against.  I really don’t like lamb of any age.

I am totally getting off the point here but I was so hit on at the supermarket today by The Frenchman. Only he doesn’t know that I know who he is. As soon as I crossed his path in the parking lot I thought I knew him. Black Porsche, loud and grumbling, revving the engine as I walked by. Truthfully, I thought he was having a hard time with the clutch. He has longish salt and pepper hair and he owns the French Antiques place down the road.

It didn’t come to me right away who he is.  And not even when he spoke to me did it dawn on me who he is. But he made it clear he wanted to interact with me. Cutting me off in the pre-bagged lettuce aisle.

I kept thinking it was The Frenchman who owned the antique place down the road, but because of his voice box he had no french accent. I guess if you have had a trachiotomy in the woods and you have a french accent, do you get a french voice box… The whole way home, yes all three minutes of the ride, I was racking my brain about who this guy was, then it came to me, it had to be The Frenchman I had met years ago on a summer night before The Dish and I were married. When we smoked and he joined us outside for a cigarette.  Why hadn’t it come to me before who he was.  Well duh, because his voice box is from the woods and not France, apparently.

I can’t help but thinking that I should really stop dreaming about smoking because it’s totally bad for you and your french accent and every morning when I wake up having had a dream that I am driving down the road with The Dish and we are smoking like three cigarettes each at the same time, I feel guilty that I smoked…in my dreams. No matter how fun it seemed at the time. 

I don’t want to lose my accent ever.

P.S. This is in no way meant to be offensive to people with voiceboxes or trachiotomies. It is however something that happened to me and this was my thought process about the whole thing and hopefully it is just a temporary condition and he really didn’t seem to mind it at all.

Two weeks ago I got sick… again. Shouldn’t there be some kind of rule about getting sick twice in the same season? Ever since I got sick I have had this inner ear itch and it is annoying the fuck out of me, mainly because I look like a lunatic trying to scratch that itch…with my tongue and also it is itchy as all hell.

Sometimes…sometimes I just may talk too much and when someone responds I am immediately irritated  by what they say. I was telling My Dealer and The Big Wee One about my inner ear bitch and they were totally riveted because that is what good minions do you know, they hang on your every word, like if you burped it would be all glitter and gold and quite possibly a baby unicorn.

My Dealer (and I am seriously considering changing her name because the only thing she has dealt me are annoyances lately) was all like ‘Oh my Gahhhdd, maybe you have bugs in your ear’…really Bugs in my ear?

…SHUT THE FUCK UP!

I do not… have bugs… in my ears…you ass.

I am sure its just an allergy. But just to prove her wrong I turned to the Great Oracle…GOOGLE. Because GOOGLE does not lie…or so I thought. I click on the fourth thing down and it is this Yahoo Answers and I am all like GOOGLE…why the fuck do hang out with that Yahoo lying piece of shit. Parasite…fungus, NO. WAY.  I do not have an inner ear parasite…just noooo.

Then I went back to GOOGLE, and gave it a second chance…and the third link …Allergies okay My Dealer…allergies not bugs. One more that ensures I am right and My Dealer is a moron.  I mean who accuses someone of having bugs..in their ears..to their face.  I tell you one thing though…if it is a parasite I am going to feed it lots of what ever it is parasites eat and when the time is right I am going to unleash my Little Alien Guest all over My Dealer…just to watch her squirm and scream and run around pouring Purell all over her body.

You know what she is probably the one with bugs any way and was just projecting.

P.S. there is a website names inner ear itch (dot) com and it is completely uselss…who would buy that domain. ‘Excuse me I am wondering if big toe fungus (dot) com is available?’