I hate, and I mean hate, hate, hate, hate going to the supermarket. It is usually filled with complete and utter unconcious idiots who have no clue as to the boundries and expanse of their bodies and carts. 
With that said I feel that one of our local big supermarkets does their best to make it a happy glittery place. 

First they lure you in with some exotic enticements

Not quite sure how they customize your meat butI have a feeling they mean something like this

(can’t you just imagine it with a unicorn horn…that would be so glittery awsome)

Once inside they stun you speachless and all you will be able to say …WHOA WHOA WHOA,  Ididn’t even know this kind of flower existed!

…I have been buying the non glittery variety this whole time?

However even glitter roses are not enough to make me enjoy the necessary adventure of the Big Supermarket.  AH HA, but they keep trying to make me see all the awsomeness of the Big Supermarket. While trying to find some coconut water I stumbled upon this aisle and thought for sure they had ensnared me in the sexy web of sexiness. (cue science fiction music here)

Now with the porn music going through my head I am all excited because I get to get frou frou beverages with out frou frou prices, yeah baby…Sadly the record got pulled of the turntable when these so called *new age beverages*  turned out to be nothing more interesting than crack in a can and if I am going to buy crack it is not going to be at the Big Supermarket…no sir-ee bob!

 Dissappointed in my Big Supermarket adventure, I go visit the one person here who is my buddy, my comrad, the one who always has what I am looking for.  Yes Mr. Pharmacist.  He is always there for me no matter what my needs are, he has the answers. No glitter, no new agey stuff, no custom meat products, just good old pharmeceuticals. 

‘Oh hai, Mr. Pharmicist, how are you today?’  ‘Hey there Blondie, the usual?’  ‘Please and thank you!’  (Did I mention that he knows me by name…after all I do visit him at least once a month.) 

 However even he sometimes gets on my nerves, like the time I was WAITING on line behind some very nosey people one of whom decided that I was angry and that “You could smile you know you don’t have to be so angry!”  ‘What the fuck did you say to me?’  I am online at the Big Supermarket on SUNDAY waiting for a perscription, for what?  How could you even presume to know why I am on this line, what am I getting, what is it for, WHO is it for?  (I know, I know I was just waiting for birth control pills, but hey he had NO clue)  The worst time, though was when Mr. Pharmacist  ignored my phone calls and messages and I had to go find something to do while he takes care of my every wish. 

The Big Supermarket tries to even make you feel special buying your exotic chickencow meat at the express line. LOOOOKIE, WHAT YOU GET TO WALK THROUGH…

But once you are done and your missions are accomplished they get you with one more little wink and a thumbs up.

 They let you know how much they LOOOOVVVEEE you and appreciate your business, now matter who you are!

• 2 Ear plugs
• 1 ball gag
• 1 pair of hand cuffs

So on the RARE  weekly night out for dinner I have realized that there is a checklist of things I really, and I mean really nead to make sure to bring with me…just in case someone forces me to drink a never ending glass of wine.

So my friends opened a restaurant and well they are my cool friends and my husband and I are all about going there and supporting our habits their business.  But really that list up there, are the things I need to bring with me.  Well because when I have a little wine…all filters faulter!

Ear plugs would be good for when I hear a strange noise coming from the room with the Kiddie Birthday Party going on and I blurt out ‘WHO GAVE THAT CHILD A DILDO” (yes, I do know I should have said a vibrator, but well I like the sound of the word Dildo better…DIL…Doh..)

And then the Ball Gag would have been good when I ran into this guy that I will call Dude.  Why you ask ? I will tell you why but first I will tell you how I casually started out conversation. 

Me: Hey Dude, how are you…oh yeah, oh cool that sounds interesting….you know when ever I see you I ALWAYS think of dogs…. (at this point I can hear the crickets chirping and my husband has turned away and will no longer participate in the conversation)

With a perplexed look…

Dude: What…why?

Me: um well, you know, um…oh uhhh (turning to my friend who owns the restaurant)

Friend: Oh you know Dude how Blondie loved our dog and you loved our dog and you two rented apartments that had adjoining bathrooms almost…..(this is a true friend, cause she had nooooo idea why I said the dog thing)

Me: Yeah, and every night I came home and could hear you peeing through the walls because we had kind of adjoining bathrooms, and that would totally make me go into pee shock. I CAN NOT pee if I even think someone might be listening in…

(the caption reads “for ‘Quiet Time’ “)

At this point the Ball Gag should have been inserted for like an hour already.  Back in the day I had heard a story about how the Dude, (at this point The Dish has all but disappeared and refuses to try to bail me out)  was having sex with some randomness and her dog was licking his ass and instead of stopping the dog from licking he let it lick him all the way home, and by home I don’t mean…ahhh I am sure you get it.   But thats not where I end my foot in mouth disease, I then proceed to try and get the Dude’s young son to say the word Bajigity…just because hey won’t that be funny and I am sure his very pregnant wife will think that is just about the best thing her little pride and joy has said.  Forget “Mommy, I love you”, how  about “Yo Ma, gettin’ BAJIGITY over here!” instead.

Yeah I am so high class I can’t stand it.

At this point I should don the hand cuffs 

 
because I might just start appropriating things that I feel should no longer exist in your fine establishment…oooh like say this
  

 Yes I single handedly kidnapped and then tortured James Brown. And there he sits on my counter in my kitchen biding his time until he gets to return to the corner of the bar to yell at all the passers by. You see if you hit that red button this happens…