Oh summer and the joys you bring. I know what you’re thinking.
‘Vapid has some kind of serious neurosis about summer.’

Well my darling people you would be correct.

HOWEVER…
(and that is a big however if you didn’t notice)
I would love for it to be summer time all day every day year round.
Flowers bloom year round. Grass is always green. 
The business I am in, which may or may  not be hooking selling my soul to Satan in the name of dresses, booms in the summer.
Hell even though I hate bathing, the showers are even better in the summer.

The Dish and I have an outdoor shower that I think I may have spoken of at least once before but for the life of me right now I CAN NOT FIND IT in my archives so I am probably just crazy.

My problem with it is that I am not tall enough and the shower head is set so high that the only part of me that can get under it without washing my hair is my ass.  And yes even though it is a squeaky clean ass, it does need to be washed every now and then but, and that’s a big but (not a big butt mind you) I just don’t like to wash my hair EVERY day, the natural oils that build up act much like hair product so I am actually saving money by having dirty hair. 

Just try blow drying your hair in this 300,000 % humidity.
It’s pointless I tell you,

P O I N T L E S S!

I can blow dry my hair for an hour in the summer and the only thing that happens is I get sweat streaks running down my back, under my boobs and yes….in between my legs, which by the way is totally embarrassing.
“Hi everyone, just want to mention that I didn’t actually pee my pants, I am sweating…..

from my crotch.”

Back to the hair, which never really dries and by the time I give up it’s still damp, I am damp and the word damp is just gross.

(I swear I am not complaining about the warm weather I would so rather be damp
than frozen and crazy like I was this week.)

But whoa have I gotten really off topic and *big exhale* my point is I don’t often use the outdoor shower since I don’t often wash my hair and keeping it dry can not happen in the outdoor shower.

When I do use the outdoor shower though, I love it.
It doesn’t matter if it is raining, humid, chilly or hot and dry. Taking an outdoor shower is some how very liberating. Very sensual. Almost stimulating especially if someone pulls up the driveway…which actually hasn’t happened.
THANK FUCKING GOD!!!
(but is totally something that I panic about each and every time I use the outdoor shower)

I get to look at our garden.

  That I am so proud of since I never really thought I could actually grow anything. 
Sometimes before I hop in the shower I may do a little naked weeding.
*cue soft core porn music now*

But only a little because there are certain places that getting a mosquito bite is just altogether awkward so I scurry back to the shower only to

GET EATEN ALIVE BY AN ANACONDA!!!!

WHO DEFINITELY TELLS ME TO ‘BACK THE FUCK OFF OR I WILL EAT YOU ALIVE SO BAD YOU WILL WISH I WAS THE
MONGOLIAN DEATH WORM.’

 And from that moment on everything is a giant snake in the grass

TRYING. TO. KILL. ME.

ACCKKK!!!

Holy fuck balls!

Oh my god, oh MY GOD…what do I do, what do I do?

I
 run to the shower turn on the water, close my eyes and hope the giant beast hates water, that’s what I do. Because it’s a mother fucking snake that eats things whole and then sits there on a rock gloating with it’s belly full of whole human beings.

WHOLE HUMAN BEINGS!

 Then when I finally open my eyes to find the snake gone I grab my shampoo only to be attacked by 

A GIANT SPIDER! 

Who was probably watching the whole anaconda ORDEAL come down and thought ‘watch me scare the living shit out this chick, her nerves are probably all shattered by now. BWAHAAAHAAAAHAA!’

EWWWWWW!
*swats spider away while screeching like a cat in heat*

 So by the time I am ready for work I feel  like a snake ridden, spider nest with runny mascara and a damp crotch.

And I am sure I look like just like this…

I probably shouldn’t be allowed to leave the house under any circumstances….EVER!

SHHHHH, I am writing this at work since I can’t seem to do it from the luxury of my yacht in the Mediterranean which by the way is totally fucking irritating.  I feel like the more I am simplifying my life like foregoing personal grooming and clean clothes the LESS I get accomplished. I am so glad my only responsibilities include making sure my younger dog doesn’t pee on my older dog while she is peeing which is like totally overwhelming and then stopping him when he tries to pee on me as I am picking up HIS poop that narrowly escaped getting recycled  down his throat only to be shit out again…(you see this vicious cycle? The stink, it gets exponentially worse with each go round.) Sigh.
Or stopping him from flying after said poop when I throw the poop over the cliff.  It is like a game….run after it and try to catch it mid air, with your mouth.
(gag gag gag gag gag)

Where was I?  Oh right, trying to simplify my life has made everything feel like chaos and mayhem. Oh and work? Bleh. If I can’t even get my personal grooming in balance and by that I mean I got one side of the Vagina done before I had to go do SOMETHING or another and now I totally look like that carnival character that is one half lady one have bearded man, (I imagine the bald lady side sounds like Julia Child…all HELLOOOOO and the other side looks and sounds a LOT like Samuel Jackson all hairy and wild eyed talking about cheeseburger royals and shit.) 

yeah so if I can’t get that taken care of properly I am pretty sure nothing else is getting done the right way, especially when I am finishing up watching Grease 2 at work so I can get my next DVD for my next Culture Brats post, AND I kept getting interrupted AND I was all like ‘you know….Adrian Zmed is wearing really tight pants could you leave me be for a MOMENT please!’

(That may or may not be a total lie)

So I am not getting much accomplished these days, but one very very important thing is I am starting to monitor my blood pressure, because?  Well?  FUCKITY FUCK FUCK. That is why! No really, every time I go to a doctor it’s high, my BP mind you, not me. I feel like its panic but I refrain from eating a jar of Xanax because….um….because? I am not really sure why actually. Maybe that is the real answer…eat Xanax and have ridiculously low BP.
(*twists moustache deep in sinister thought*)

Did you know all of the things that can cause high blood pressure especially if you are a chicklet? Let me tell you.
Advil! Yes that little pill of green gold can cause it.
Smoking. For all of its wonderful things it does a body it can also give you high blood pressure!
Wee!
Birth Control Pills….Sigh. Time to revert back to the olden days of pumpin’ and prayin’, only I don’t really pray ever and most likely my eggs are more like martini olives soaked in vermouth at this point all drunk and unable to stick the walls of anything!
Which brings me to the most cruel joke anyone has ever tried to play on me.
Alcohol. The sweet nectar of the gods! Why do these studies try and hurt my feelings so? In order to drink healthily (not heavily, mind you.) it is recommended that women consume NO MORE then one drink a day. Yup one, and it is not like you can hoard them all and consume then all on Saturday morning with your Wheaties…just one a day and that’s it.

MOTHER FUCKERS!

But I have figured out a reach around work around.  All you lovelies with the lady bits can thank me later and you fellas will totally thank me when you serve  your dates her one glass of wine!

BEHOLD

That’s right….it holds an entire bottle of wine in one glass!!!!
GI. GGI. TY!
(in case you don’t believe me as I often STRETCH the truth a bit around here…go here)

They may be able to take away most of the fun but come hell or high  BP water they are not taking away my ONE glass of wine a day!

 Sláinte!

P.S. Bonus: when you boys give your dates the glass you can be all ‘Hey Baby, did you lose weight cause look at how big your glass of wine looks next to you?” (then waggle your eyebrows suggestively)