So The Dish has lots of  obessions. Of course one of those obsessions is me but we are not talking about me at the moment. We are talking about The Dish. Its also not about the basket load of lube that I won and all the things that are NOT going to happen with it.  No its much worse:

(I bet you didn’t believe me about this whole Morgan Freeman thing. I also bet you didn’t know that Morgan Freeman is actually a 5′ 4″ white woman…Like I said he’s a sneaky fucker!)

He’s worn me down folks…worn me right the fuck down. So we are trading in our rather fussy high priced escort,

for a down and dirty hooker because I am still in the middle of that meltdown you know. Which by the way is moving right along. I crossed off #2 and soon I will be able to cross #3 off the list but instead of a sexy convertible I guess I am getting a stripped down shiny black car with….T FUCKING TOPS! Oh yeah T-tops baby. I am so going out and buying The Dish a mesh tank top and a gold Italian horn an making him wear them WHEN EVER we drive this pretty hot rod of a ride.

There is however one last piece to this awesome picture. I just need to convince The Coquette to do it for me because I think it is high time I start rockin’ this look again!!!!

I would like to properly introduce y’all to The Dish. (because I think I have made fun of him a bit here on A Vapid Blonde and for that I would like to apologize) Who is the  light of my day, the ruler of my heart….

Who happens to be in California right now!!!! And  probably getting felt up by Morgan Freeman… I know what you are thinking. Silly little Vapid Blonde trying to glom onto  Jenny’s  post NO!!! This is fair warning. He will show up and try to wreck your home with his celebrity and his cunning.
(did you see the look on his face in the picture with the kitten on his head….it SCREAMS: Hey Jenny, Watch your back, I got kittens on my head, mittens on my hands and Victor in my sights!)

I thought my husband was merely in California on a business trip until I read TheBloggesses post about good old Morgan and remembered back about  four or five years ago, when Morgan totally felt up  The Dish at a bar in California while he licked his lips and uttered the words ‘Hi there’ Are you kidding me…HI FUCKING THERE!!!!  You cannot tell me this is all a coincidence. Morgan totally stalks my husband. And he set this all up BECAUSE…he knows about the girl crushes TheBloggess and I have on each other. ( I know I am sounding like a stalker but…YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO ME)

Every time a commercial comes on with a voice over The Dish says to me “Who is it…”  (its always Morgan…if not it’s David and well one likes my husband and the other doesn’t even know I exist!)

He is trying to wreck my marriage.

And yours.

Isn’t it bad enough that I can’t leave my fucking house because my drive way is so steep that it’s kind of like the luge…no its not enough. I have to be reminded that at any moment Morgan is going to show up and try to fuck up this life I have created with cotton fucking candy???

Stolen from comment # 110 on TheBloggesses Post about Morgan

 MOTHER FUCKER. 

I wasn’t even thinking anything of this trip when The Dish asked me to go…then *WE* decided it was best I stayed home. All I was thinking about was my hair. Because hello…I am currently in my meltdown so what’s more important…gallivanting around California in a yellow corvette wearing lipstick and beating off Morgan…or getting your hair done by The Coquette in the middle of a fucking blizzard and wondering how are you going to walk up the drive way in these heals? I think getting your hair done is where to set your priorities.

She moves really fast and I am cross eyed...Who knew?

Apparently the Internet, or more ACCURATELY…Accuweather and Morgan Freeman are one and the same because as soon as she put the goo on my head…it started snowing. And I was stuck….for three hours while the snow piled high on my driveway and I had to walk the entire way up…which is no small feet. And by the time I got up to the house my mascara was streaming down my face and I looked a lot like this but with makeup.

Which sent me into a total panic for the next two days. Seriously…I sat in my house checking my self in the mirror every twenty minutes to see if it was a dream…*sobbing at this point because? nooooo, it was not a dream* 

I REALLY LOOK LIKE THAT!!!!

So I succomb and I plow the driveway and I eat steak alone at the table by myself with a dogs head on my lap by candlelight and I raise my glass of wine for a toast only to not hear it clink with another.
As much as I would like to be a recluse…I need you. I need people.

I need My Dish.

P.S. Does anyone else see the eerie similarities between The Dish offering champagne and Morgan offering cotton candy?

P.P.S. Morgan Freeman is in no way affiliated with A Vapid Blonde or The Dish (as much as he would like to be) Every thing here may or may not be figment of your imagination.

Update: I plowed my driveway and made it out and am no longer in a panic over my hair. (very important I know)…why the need for an update? well here is why.