Aug
19
2010
I am pretty sure my local grocery store is totally mind fucking me and quite frankly I am not that happy about it.
I do enough damage on my own, thank you very much.
It all started about a year and a half ago when I entered a raffle and won.
I won a mountain bike.
This is kind of like a vegan winning a cow that sits there looks and at you with those cute little blinking cow eyes that are too far apart.
You know the cow eyes I’m talking about.
That’s about how much I would use a mountain bike.
Then there is their meat.
Their meat doesn’t come with a disclaimer that says “FLAVOR ENHANCED” and their meat doesn’t actually seep out white gelatinous goo when cooked.
Their meat is local and grass fed.
So you can see why I am addicted to their meat.
So I can’t understand why they would sell me a hunk of 15 dollar cheese named Prima Donna…
that when I got it home I realized the underside was COVERED in mold.
Are you trying to kill me my beloved Local Grocer? Or are you trying to make me go broke?
I vote for you are trying to KILL me, because NOT two day’s later as I was minding my own business picking out tomatoes through the swarm of fruit flies, all the while being hawked on by the creepy ‘Children of The Corn’ produce guy that THIS melon, this ragged street cred honey dew melon tried to knock me out.
Not once, not twice, but three mother fucking times did that Melon jump off it’s pile at me all angry and shit!And because I was worried that the creepy ‘Children of The Corn’ produce guy was going to come at me clacking together a couple of ears of corn, I put it back three times not realizing it was the
Evil Satan Melon of DOOM.
Just when I am about to cut you out of my life once and for all,
you my Dear Local Grocer,
you pull this crap out or your fun bag of tricks.
Seriously, how can I EVER shop anywhere else?
Well played my Dear Local Grocer, well played.
56 comments | tags: cheese, evil, evil melons, honey dew melon of doom, I seriously shouldn't leave the house, mold, paranoia | posted in Making light of life, Melt Downs, Ranting and Ravings, this post is brought to you by consumerism
Aug
3
2010
This was supposed to be a post about my German refrigerator Otto Lothar Alberich* who started to protest his position in this house after not quite three years of clean and crisp German service…
So I called the refrigerator repair guy and he came in and stuck a long hose in Otto’s drain and blew really hard and I am pretty sure my refrigerator is gay because it’s stopped all the buzzing and leaking.
See what a hundred and fifty bucks, a refrigerator blow job and some opening and closing of the door will do?
open
close
open
close
(must be some kind of refrigerator foreplay)
Instead I decided to develop a raging case of panic.
Ha…you thought I was going to say chlamydia, didn’t you?
WELL, you would be terribly wrong.
It’s because I am going to Blogher 2010 in two days and this is the first post I have written since 1982 so I really have no business going to a blogging conference for women now do I?
Especially seeing as though I am actually a 12 year old boy. I keep
telling you people this but you all just gloss over that fact like it’s not true but when my mom drops me off won’t you be surprised.
On the bright side I am pretty sure there is a butt load of xanax waiting for me over at the pharmacy so WHEEE!
(maybe I am not going to be all panicky after all.)
It’s this whole idea I got into my head that I somehow belonged at this conference with real writer types that just boggles my mind.
WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?
I don’t even like talking on the phone for crying out loud.
For me the wonderful thing about “social” media is that there really isn’t any actual in person and live socializing going on because I have a
problem with this kind of thing.
I can’t even accept a blog award gracefully from these two
lovely ladies so it is clear that I should be sitting this one out, but instead I am going to load up the car with 50 life size card board cutouts fashioned in my likeness and haul them down to NYC , prop them up every where and have them take notes and do the meet and greet so I can sit quietly in my room alone with the shades drawn staring at the glowing screen of my computer right where I am most comfortable.
So might I suggest some valuable reading over to the right on my blogroll…any one of those links will take you to a far better, far more prolific place than this cracked and parched barren landscape.
P.S. Should you decide you would like to read more of this crap (bwaahaahaa, I am funny sometimes, right?) I added a nifty little email subscription to the right of this or any post title, go ahead you can be one of all three cool kids who have subscribed.
P.P.S. I think I actually succeeded in posting about *Otto Lothar Alberich (wealthy loud warrior elf ruler)
38 comments | tags: blogher, blogher 2010, cocktail, funny haha, glitter, panic, refrigerator blowjob, refrigerator foreplay, xanax | posted in Making light of life, Melt Downs, Ranting and Ravings, because I'm a pussy
