SHHHHH, I am writing this at work since I can’t seem to do it from the luxury of my yacht in the Mediterranean which by the way is totally fucking irritating.  I feel like the more I am simplifying my life like foregoing personal grooming and clean clothes the LESS I get accomplished. I am so glad my only responsibilities include making sure my younger dog doesn’t pee on my older dog while she is peeing which is like totally overwhelming and then stopping him when he tries to pee on me as I am picking up HIS poop that narrowly escaped getting recycled  down his throat only to be shit out again…(you see this vicious cycle? The stink, it gets exponentially worse with each go round.) Sigh.
Or stopping him from flying after said poop when I throw the poop over the cliff.  It is like a game….run after it and try to catch it mid air, with your mouth.
(gag gag gag gag gag)

Where was I?  Oh right, trying to simplify my life has made everything feel like chaos and mayhem. Oh and work? Bleh. If I can’t even get my personal grooming in balance and by that I mean I got one side of the Vagina done before I had to go do SOMETHING or another and now I totally look like that carnival character that is one half lady one have bearded man, (I imagine the bald lady side sounds like Julia Child…all HELLOOOOO and the other side looks and sounds a LOT like Samuel Jackson all hairy and wild eyed talking about cheeseburger royals and shit.) 

yeah so if I can’t get that taken care of properly I am pretty sure nothing else is getting done the right way, especially when I am finishing up watching Grease 2 at work so I can get my next DVD for my next Culture Brats post, AND I kept getting interrupted AND I was all like ‘you know….Adrian Zmed is wearing really tight pants could you leave me be for a MOMENT please!’

(That may or may not be a total lie)

So I am not getting much accomplished these days, but one very very important thing is I am starting to monitor my blood pressure, because?  Well?  FUCKITY FUCK FUCK. That is why! No really, every time I go to a doctor it’s high, my BP mind you, not me. I feel like its panic but I refrain from eating a jar of Xanax because….um….because? I am not really sure why actually. Maybe that is the real answer…eat Xanax and have ridiculously low BP.
(*twists moustache deep in sinister thought*)

Did you know all of the things that can cause high blood pressure especially if you are a chicklet? Let me tell you.
Advil! Yes that little pill of green gold can cause it.
Smoking. For all of its wonderful things it does a body it can also give you high blood pressure!
Wee!
Birth Control Pills….Sigh. Time to revert back to the olden days of pumpin’ and prayin’, only I don’t really pray ever and most likely my eggs are more like martini olives soaked in vermouth at this point all drunk and unable to stick the walls of anything!
Which brings me to the most cruel joke anyone has ever tried to play on me.
Alcohol. The sweet nectar of the gods! Why do these studies try and hurt my feelings so? In order to drink healthily (not heavily, mind you.) it is recommended that women consume NO MORE then one drink a day. Yup one, and it is not like you can hoard them all and consume then all on Saturday morning with your Wheaties…just one a day and that’s it.

MOTHER FUCKERS!

But I have figured out a reach around work around.  All you lovelies with the lady bits can thank me later and you fellas will totally thank me when you serve  your dates her one glass of wine!

BEHOLD

That’s right….it holds an entire bottle of wine in one glass!!!!
GI. GGI. TY!
(in case you don’t believe me as I often STRETCH the truth a bit around here…go here)

They may be able to take away most of the fun but come hell or high  BP water they are not taking away my ONE glass of wine a day!

 Sláinte!

P.S. Bonus: when you boys give your dates the glass you can be all ‘Hey Baby, did you lose weight cause look at how big your glass of wine looks next to you?” (then waggle your eyebrows suggestively)

As IF  I don’t have enough to worry about with  one dog who’s gold plated knee that cost a  gazillion dollars might actually have been gold leafed, another dog that I am constantly pulling shitty grass out of his butt and the Mongolian death worm that is lurking about…

(I can only imagine what it’s like to be attacked by one of these.
You are minding your own business on the shitter perusing the Beaver Hunt section of Hustler latest issue of Living Well and BLAMMO…Mongolian Death Worm attacks. It attaches to your head….you LEAP off the toilet mid stream, run out into the middle of the dinner party you are hosting where everyone starts laughing so hard  because they know you are SUCH A CARD…and you really wish this was a joke but could someone please get this mother fucking DEATH WORM thing off of my face…As it syphons your brains out through your nostrils.  Not to mention your pants are down around your ankles, you have pee running down your leg and your TENDERLOIN is as tough as Janice Dickinson’s Vagina by now …the first two being the worst of the entire “situation” if you ask me.)

 As if all of these things are not enough to worry about… I now have to worry about getting mother fucking shanked on Twitter.

 Of course being the super spy that I am I clicked on the link to see if there was some kind of evidence to be collected…you know like DEXTER!!! THE HOTTEST SERIAL KILLER/BLOOD SPATTER ANALYST OUT THERE! BITCHES. 
Sadly there was nothing but a derogatory (how do you spell that word) remark about my brain capabilities which made me go BEE ZERK!
Do you even realize the monster you just awoke? Do you realize I know what a shiv is? Do you realize that I have not only the most desirable hand crafted shiv but also the most BAD ASS shiv around…yeah you wanna be my bitch in prison, trust me on this one.

 That’s a slice of heaven heating tube right there with about three thousand dry wall screws embedded in the end to make you cry like the little girl you are!

Do NOT ruffle the kittens feathers or you may get the horns….

*lifts one eye brow and flairs opposite nostril while twitching a lip*

When you least expect it Coward Shank… when you are dreaming of dropping your soap in the shower…when your prison boyfriend (assuming your a man) dumps your hairy ass… THAT is when I am going to go all DEATH WORM on your skull and FUCK YOUR SHIT UP!