Me and My Middle Bully. Kind of Like The Song “Me and My Shadow”. Kind of.
I hate running. If you’ve been here for a while then you already know this based on this post…or this post. Running for me is like being a cat and having someone draw me a bubble bath. At first, I thought it was because I can taste blood when ever I run. It’s like I’m bleeding from my lungs. Then I considered the fact that I used to smoke as the reason why running for me is like the plague. However, as we all know most things that shape our adult life can be traced back to early child hood trauma or as I call it Seventh Grade.
Seventh Grade and my middle bully.
J. Quacking Bush the First.
As if this time in life isn’t rife with so many tortuous obstacles but the world has to give you a J. Quacking Bush the First of your very own for all of seventh grade.
You try so hard to fit in at this time of life and every time you make a step forward into the “inner circle of cool” something makes you take about five giant steps backwards. It could be something as simple as what you bring for lunch. Or what you bring your lunch in. Why on earth would the kind of lunch bag matter for a child trying to fit in at lunch time?
Again, I ask why on earth would it matter? A brown bag is a brown bag right?
Of course a GIANT brown lunch bag would be better than the cute tiny lunch sized bags that all the other kids parents bought specifically for their cool kids to bring lunch to school in. A GIANT brown lunch bag couldn’t cause any added anxiety to trying to blend into the cafeteria at lunch time unnoticed, could it?
It certainly wouldn’t cause a life long aversion to paper grocery sized bags that lingers on well into adult hood.
Why would it?
It’s just a GIANT. BROWN. BAG.
WE WERE ALREADY RECYCLING… IN THE EARLY EIGHTIES.
For crying out loud, my parents were just really progressive.
Lunch itself would be enough to send me spiraling off to the nurse where I would feverishly suck on the thermometer and then rub it in my hands to get the mercury to rise because trying to find a nice empty table to eat my lunch out of my GIANT paper bag was not the worst of the situation. Every lunch was accompanied by J. Quacking Bush the First staring me down and taking her wing and making a slicing motion just under her waddle. A gesture meant to get my adrenaline going, I am sure for recess, directly after lunch.
If I managed to eat my lunch I would scarf it down as quickly as possible then dispose of the evidence, evidence being the brown bag that was large enough to fit J. Quacking Bush the First in, a thought that I wish had occurred to me back in the Seventh Grade.
*sigh* Hind sight is 20/20.
Invariably I would end up finding my way out side to the playground hearing what I thought was my heart pounding inside my head in preparation for play time. Much to my dismay it was the slow pounding of the gigantic flippers of J. Quacking Bush the First bearing down on me. And with a quick look behind me, I was off for the better part of an hour running my fucking ass off until the bell rang.
Down hills.
Up hills.
By teachers.
Through dodge ball games.
I probably could have set myself on fire and no one would have noticed the game I was playing with J. Quacking Bush the First. The game I like to call “Run, Run For Your Little Life Because When J. Quacking Bush the First Catches You It’s All OVER”.
It all makes perfect sense to me now.
Running feels like dying a slow fiery death by bully.
January 26th, 2012 at 10:04 am
Who knew I could hate a Bush more than W?
Elly Lou´s last [type] ..This Week’s Tweets
Twitter: avapidblonde
Says:
January 26th, 2012 at 10:08 am
@Elly Lou Wow, what a huge compliment to my story telling abilities. Also Giant Quacking Bush is way more entertaining to read about I hope.
Twitter: pattypunker
Says:
January 26th, 2012 at 10:51 am
and just when i thought you couldn’t get any more adorable, you go and show me these drawings of you! love them and you!
as far as j quacking bush the first, someone should have taught that beyotch how to groom because it appears her bush has grown into a wild mangy forest overtaking her entire upper body. i hope it smothers her in her sleep some night.
pattypunker´s last [type] ..double whoa!
Twitter: avapidblonde
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January 26th, 2012 at 11:01 am
@Patty Punker Some people would like Death By Bush! You know the Hot Hair Horny fetishists.
Twitter: brettminor
Says:
January 26th, 2012 at 11:41 am
Great self analysis. I don’t like running either, but haven’t thought about why. I need to reflect on that.
Brett Minor´s last [type] ..MC Hammer is Black
Twitter: avapidblonde
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January 26th, 2012 at 11:52 am
@Brett Fist I suggest you get a high grade fever. Then drink copious amounts of hallucinogenic NyQuil. The Vision Quest will begin shortly there after.
Twitter: avapidblonde
Says:
January 26th, 2012 at 12:22 pm
AHHH. Love typos…FIST you, I’ve never even met you. *sigh*
January 26th, 2012 at 12:10 pm
Definitely hate J quacking bush the first and giant, brown paper bags with all my heart!
Great post!
Euge´s last [type] ..The importance of being a kid’s crush
Twitter: avapidblonde
Says:
January 26th, 2012 at 12:23 pm
@Euge Thank you! I think I need to get a hedge clipper for her, right?
January 26th, 2012 at 12:55 pm
Seventh Grade is like living through The Lord of the Flies, without the nice weather and beaches.
Tom G.´s last [type] ..Risky Business revisited
Twitter: avapidblonde
Says:
January 26th, 2012 at 2:02 pm
JESUS Tom You look cold. Either that or J. Quacking Bush The First is trying to swallow your head. Whole.
January 26th, 2012 at 5:44 pm
I was hoping it would be something like J used to chase you with her bush a-quacking. And you would run for your life.
The Sweetest´s last [type] ..I Don’t Have Any Covers
Twitter: avapidblonde
Says:
January 26th, 2012 at 6:26 pm
@The Sweetest Well, it really was just like that but add to it very greasy hair flapping in the wind. On her head that is. Now I’m imagining a giant greasy pubic hair laden Vajayjay with dangling labia’s that flap in the wind. EEK!
January 26th, 2012 at 9:28 pm
Love you AND your giant lunch bag. Mine was Ali Fink (ingfuckface) and she… Well let’s just say my legs are quite fabulous now
Twitter: avapidblonde
Says:
January 27th, 2012 at 12:56 pm
@Ry At least our bullies have names we can make fun of them about. You and your legs are muy delicioso!
January 27th, 2012 at 7:48 am
It has taken me this long to comment because I had to fully immerse myself in the experience of being systematically hunted down by cruel waterfowl.
Through your series of terrifying illustrations I was able to get as close as someone can get to the furious hammer blows of the bully’s fist.
This is also where I wish for the time displacement equipment so that 7th grade me could lure her down to the marshlands where I would set her loose, fell her with my shotgun and then have my chocolate Lab retrieve her from the water.
Then we would all enjoy roasted duck for dinner.
Sigh.
So you know I love this right?
Twitter: avapidblonde
Says:
January 27th, 2012 at 12:58 pm
@Dufmanno I love me some Duck Confit. Where you render the ducks fat and then slow roast it in it’s own fat and misery. Until it’s crispy and falling off the bone. Then the bones get discarded in the garbage. I think we might be on to something here. A kind of Bully Charcuterie.
January 27th, 2012 at 7:56 am
I find that my explanation would be so much more effective if I could understand the difference between something taking me so *ling* and something taking me so *long*
I should be required to write that sentence 100 times on the chalkboard.
I WILL learn the difference between ling and long.
I WILL learn the difference between ling and long.
Twitter: avapidblonde
Says:
January 27th, 2012 at 1:00 pm
I’m not a big fan of corporal punishment. Your are absolved of your sins…SEE?! It’s magic, just like heaven and unicorns.
January 27th, 2012 at 8:09 am
Let me put on my junior psychoanalysis hat here and make what promises to be one of many astute observations about Quakenbush. In my minds eye I am able to see the thick bubbling jealousy of a big crazy greasy bully chasing an adorable petite blonde. Freud , would liken it to male penis envy except we would substitute you for the big penis and her for the inadequate one.
Wait, where was I going with this?
Oh well I guess all the psychobabble bullshit in the world makes no difference when you are running for your life.
January 27th, 2012 at 9:31 am
I sense Quakenbush fever here.
Twitter: avapidblonde
Says:
January 27th, 2012 at 1:06 pm
EW. I hope the fever isn’t brought on by the clap or anything.
Twitter: avapidblonde
Says:
January 27th, 2012 at 1:05 pm
I know you didn’t just call me a dick did you? Just kidding. I like that analysis so much I’m making a new phrase right now.
“Walk tall and carry a big dick”
But that wouldn’t really apply unless I was being carried around by a bunch of enuchs in one of those princess type carts from Egypt where in I would be the metaphorcal dick. Actually I am really enjoying the sound of this.
Off to ponder the follow up dream sequence drawings.
January 27th, 2012 at 1:52 pm
Or “Walk talk and BE the bigger dick” Being the larger phallus never sounded so right.
dufmanno´s last [type] ..The Long Haulers
January 27th, 2012 at 1:53 pm
GODDAMNIT! WALK TALL NOT WALK TALK.
Well, unless you want your penis to possess the power of speech.
dufmanno´s last [type] ..The Long Haulers
Twitter: avapidblonde
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January 27th, 2012 at 1:57 pm
Obviously all penises should be able to talk. “YO BITCH! Come over here and gimme a kiss”
Twitter: asvinnycsit
Says:
January 29th, 2012 at 8:03 pm
Now I know if I think on it, I can find some past trauma I can explain to my wife to convince her why I can’t bring myself to do push-ups.
Vinny C´s last [type] ..Just Where Have You Been All Week… I Mean All Month… Or Is It 3 Months?
Twitter: avapidblonde
Says:
January 29th, 2012 at 11:43 pm
@Vinny Were you a T-Rex in a past life because
That is all.
January 29th, 2012 at 8:32 pm
What is it about people with “Bush” in their names? Although to be fair, I haven’t had any trouble at all with those people that have the talking dog that knows their secret bean recipe. Anyone with a talking dog is pretty much okay in my book. Talking cats? different story. Where were we?
Twitter: avapidblonde
Says:
January 29th, 2012 at 11:46 pm
@Chicken I swear any dog that wants to tell me about pork and beans is so fucking fine. I love me some pork and beans. Cats only want to steal your soul and your breath. Bushes are bad. Think Ambush, think Anheiser Busch, think Big Furry Lady Bush. All bad Bushes.
Twitter: alittlebitrock
Says:
January 30th, 2012 at 8:35 am
I bully kids who are bullies. Humiliation is one of my favorite teaching tools.
Andrea´s last [type] .."Bullet With Butterfly Wings"
Twitter: avapidblonde
Says:
January 30th, 2012 at 9:24 am
@Andrea That is too funny. I can just see you walking into class dressed up as a dominatrix and making the bad kids put on one of those submisive zipper masks.
Twitter: crackyouwhip
Says:
January 30th, 2012 at 10:25 pm
The thing I love about this post is that it can easily go in so many directions and still make sense! Love it!
Tracie
Tracie´s last [type] ..The Blog Squad
Twitter: avapidblonde
Says:
January 31st, 2012 at 7:44 am
@Tracie Like my alternate fantasy ending where I kill J. Quacking Bush The First and grow up to run marathons? That would be awesome! Thanks.
February 1st, 2012 at 10:46 am
Between the awesome illustrations, duck confit, Ry’s fabulous legs and talking phalli(?), I have no idea why I am crying, unless it is the sheer force of anger I feel toward all of our childhood bullies, who all seem to have had ridiculous names (coincidence?), but I am, and I love you ladies, and the lameass bitches who tortured us in our youth are probably sitting in a welfare office right now. So fuck’em. Yeah, I went there.
Wicked Shawn´s last [type] ..A New Understanding of 20 Somethings
Twitter: avapidblonde
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February 1st, 2012 at 12:52 pm
@Wicked Shawn You are not supposed to be crying!!! We all know how the story really ended up. I own a fucking crystal skull tiara, that’s what’s up! XOXO
Twitter: DrCynicism
Says:
February 2nd, 2012 at 2:00 pm
Hahaha — I love the bloody bag pic! Those are the visions that used to race through my head during being bullied days.
Dr. Cynicism´s last [type] ..The math behind (in)fertility
Twitter: avapidblonde
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February 3rd, 2012 at 9:27 am
@Dr. Cynicism Yes…Seventh grade, a place to develop homicidal tendencies. Could be an after school special.
Twitter: MarrBulls
Says:
February 3rd, 2012 at 12:21 pm
Ha! In Canada we buy milk in bags. 1 gallon separated in three bags then placed in a bigger bag. The actual bag that held the milk was the best kind of bag ever. And I thought I was cool because I washed it out and used it for my sandwiches and made sure every body knew I did that. Yeah. In my head it was like “look at ME with my re-used hand washed milk bag to carry my BACON sandwich!”
Like I was trying to out-wit the potential bullies by making them feel stupid for using Glad sandwich bags – how common, how main stream, how boooooring!
Nikki Rules´s last [type] ..Life Lesson One-Oh-One
Twitter: avapidblonde
Says:
February 3rd, 2012 at 1:11 pm
@Nikki I am in love with you, your bag and your BACON SANDWICH. What child is so cool as to go to school with a bacon sandwich? You that’s who!
February 8th, 2012 at 11:14 pm
You should illustrate children’s books. I’d totally read them if you did!
The Offended Blogger´s last [type] ..The “Birth Control? Jawohl!!” Offensive
Twitter: avapidblonde
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February 9th, 2012 at 8:14 am
@The Offended Blogger I think this is a fabulous idea! And you can get a free bottle of tequila with every purchase. The kids will need it.
Twitter: noobdadcom
Says:
February 21st, 2012 at 12:39 am
I’m not sure whether I’m more confused or scared due to this post.
Sedge | noob-dad´s last [type] ..Penis vs Vagina: Better of Two Evils
Twitter: avapidblonde
Says:
February 29th, 2012 at 5:29 pm
@Sedge You know what I am confused about…the fact that I never got a notification of your sweet and loving comment here and am just now approving it. My humble apologies. To answer your comment I would say go with confused. That is what I usually do to people when I write. It’s all just a rambling mess of drivel.
February 29th, 2012 at 5:11 pm
Ughh … the fucking GIANT brown paper bag. I feel your pain. Fill that damn bag with a soggy tomato sandwich and peanut butter on a spoon (yes, peanut butter on a spoon) and you have my third grade.
Car Bomb Mom´s last [type] ..The Recycling Ninja Is Not a Liar
Twitter: avapidblonde
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February 29th, 2012 at 5:37 pm
@Car Bomb Mom I love you. I love car bombs. I can’t do them any more since I was bested by a young man who described in detail his technique of opening his throat up and not having a gag reflex. Yup, that ruined it for me.
And…you can not bring a tomato sandwich as a lunch. It doesn’t work. They need to be made to order. I could go on and on about them. They are my most favorite sandwich in the entire world. With a ripe, warm tomato and GOBS of mayo….GOBS I say. I am so very sorry that you had to endure that for lunch. As for the peanut butter on a spoon…I’m thinking some one had a seriously fucked up sense of humor.
March 12th, 2012 at 10:37 pm
I would like to discuss the movie rights.
Whit´s last [type] ..Going to a Funeral With My Father
Twitter: avapidblonde
Says:
March 12th, 2012 at 11:11 pm
Dude, Really? Please don’t toy with me. My heart is fragile in case you haven’t noticed it has been toyed with. Movie rights are right up my revenge ally! Email me Whit!
March 15th, 2012 at 9:56 am
I’m going to use that excuse for everything now: “Sorry, I can’t do that, I can taste blood.”
Great post!
NotablyNeurotic´s last [type] ..Eye floaters, my constant companions
Twitter: avapidblonde
Says:
March 15th, 2012 at 6:37 pm
@NotablyNeurotic Thanks! Oh and feel free to use the excuse…I don’t think anyone would argue with you.
April 30th, 2012 at 6:48 am
Oh how much I dislike the J. Quacking Bush the First. And the big brown paper bags…I have not been able to get rid of them, I use them for my lunch even now sometimes…ha ha
I quite like the pictures you drew, they do complete justice to your story. Way to go. Cheers
Rita Kunnan´s last [type] ..Bluehost Promo
Twitter: avapidblonde
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April 30th, 2012 at 9:22 pm
@Rita I much like how yur comment sounds realz! haaahaaahaa JK. It took over two weeks of me being sick to make those drawings so, of course, I am super duper happy you love them. XOXO
April 30th, 2012 at 9:38 am
NOT ONLY is the story fantastic – LOVE IT – but the comments are hilarious. It makes you come back to the same posts over and over just to see how you respond to what people say. TOO FUNNY! I especially like how you would hand out a bottle of tequila with every purchase if you wrote childrens books because the kids would need it. That was great!! YOu are awesome!
Kimber´s last [type] ..A Box of "Cocks" and Duct Tape
Twitter: avapidblonde
Says:
April 30th, 2012 at 9:25 pm
@Kimber I am not sure I could ever compete with a post title A Box of Cocks..with Duct Tape. That just sounds completely perfect. Cocks, Duct Tape and only one other thing to make a trifecta…Hairy bush? One to satisfy, one to clear and one to be the bate/lure? I am sure I make no sense right now. Come back later for a better reply.
June 6th, 2012 at 2:21 pm
OMFG! You are hilarious! Creeping more now.
Lucy Ball´s last [type] ..Desi Does Dallas
Twitter: avapidblonde
Says:
June 6th, 2012 at 6:04 pm
@Lucy Ball I love you. I’ve had some tequila so pardon my drool. If only I had a brain….er, time. If only I had some more time to write. I miss it. How has the creeping been going any way? Let me know. *smooches*
August 15th, 2012 at 10:42 am
A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away I knew how to drop a proper comment but now it seems I’ve lost even that meager skill. Come back to us you blonde titan, you vanquisher of morons and new patron saint of crossfit and swimming pool construction. Wear a loincloth when you make your entrance. People like that.
dufmanno´s last [type] ..Naked Hot Tub Ambush
Twitter: avapidblonde
Says:
August 15th, 2012 at 7:42 pm
I fucking love you so much right now. You just made me laugh out loud, snort and cry. I miss this world so much it hurts. But I must say I look DAMN FUCKING GOOD in my loin cloth!
September 28th, 2012 at 11:46 am
Today I watched the butcher at the grocery store POUND a chicken breast into tender submission and I thought of you. Not because a chicken and a duck have much in common, but because I miss you.
Write about anything.
An ingrown hair.
Why waxing will always beat threading.
The reasons why breasts become itchy during the winter.
Sweet butter Jesus- COME BACK.
dufmanno´s last [type] ..Welcome To The Haunted Tinderbox
Twitter: avapidblonde
Says:
October 5th, 2012 at 10:11 pm
@MY Dear Dufmanno
Oh. My. Fucking. GOD!!!
Let me add insult to injury by not responding to your comment for something like a week (it’s math and it’s hard for me) I would love to write something/anything for you but I’m living a gigantic nightmare of taking over the universe in hopes of making it a better place but it seems like I may be killing that universe instead. I suck. I suck so hard right now. Please forgive me and know that I really want to come back here one day and be a better Vapid for you. For all….but mostly for you Dufmanno!