Throat Coats…The New LBD
So earlier today as I was in the middle of eating a hard boiled egg I was told that my presence was requested by a real human being of which I had no idea who they were so this immediately sent me into a chewing frenzy of mastication, salivation and hyperventilation resulting in a portion of the hard boiled yolk being sucked up through my nasal passage into what would be my brain hole if I actually had one. So there I sat for the next 10 minutes trying to snort that thing back down in to my belly where it belongs, or out through my mouth from which it came , only to have it shoot out through my left nostril onto my dress which I then picked up with my own hands and ate it.
Again.
I know.
IRRESISTBLE.
You see even though I haven’t written here in like a month or so, if you want to call that last piece of shit that actually took me longer than four hours to compose, writing? Not much has changed.
I am still a drooly, spittly mess of a non-social creature. Yet I constantly put my self into situations that require me to be (big fucking finger quotes here)
“SOCIAL”
Who could really blame me any way for being so socially shy when one of the two things I can remember from this past summer was hearing about a woman who lost her esophagus and needed part of her tummy turned into her BRAND NEW ESOPHAGUS…albeit swollen esophagus that was now in desperate need of an extra large jacket to fit over her enlarged esophagus.
Holy hell…how do you lose your esophagus you filthy slut…?
Just kidding.
Seriously though all I could think was ” Were you in Deep Throat? Because you don’t look anything like that nice lady from that movie!“ but it was like 800 years ago so if it was you and what with all that hard work you put in…you deserve a new throat! Or at least a really fucking rad coat for that shiny new esophagus…which is exactly why I am so good at what I do.
I make swollen whore throats all the rage.
Twitter: TerenceSmelser
Says:
November 2nd, 2011 at 10:14 pm
I don’t know about hard boiled eggs, (nice visual there, btw) but the VERY HOT coffee I just snorted through my nose and onto my laptop…
FUCKING HURT.
Nothing more to see here… move along…
Twitter: avapidblonde
Says:
November 2nd, 2011 at 10:20 pm
@Terrence Oh NOOO. Blisters in your lap area will hurt! My humble apologies. And I do not have 2 mil in my bank because this makes me think of that Mcdonalds coffee lady and her winnings. I should put up a warning about hiding hot liquids and sharp objects before reading…shouldn’t I. But where to hide them? *wrings hands*
Twitter: 3snaps
Says:
November 2nd, 2011 at 10:34 pm
I Love the throat coat! |I need one! Ihave a super long neck and it is always cold. It’s not all stretched out from a weird surgery or blowjobs but still.
Leanne´s last [type] ..October Part One
Twitter: avapidblonde
Says:
November 2nd, 2011 at 10:36 pm
@Leanne I predict you need what I call a NECKIE. They are soft and knitted and PRETTY. Definitely not the same as a hardened…been around the block esophagus!
November 2nd, 2011 at 10:53 pm
Does this mean you could design me some sweet-ass new knee pads? I have a tour bus to maintain, dontcha know.
Wicked Shawn´s last [type] ..Yeah, I Know…….Let’s Just Pretend
Twitter: avapidblonde
Says:
November 2nd, 2011 at 11:25 pm
@Wicked Shawn… Yes,Yes,Yessssss! Of course I could! Would you prefer skulls or souls of the forsaken on them ?
Twitter: MarrBulls
Says:
November 2nd, 2011 at 11:04 pm
She looks like someone I roller derby with. With the bruising I’m getting, I may need specialty clothing as well! Glad to read your fine words again!
Nikki Rules´s last [type] ..I Love Getting Mail Like This
Twitter: avapidblonde
Says:
November 2nd, 2011 at 11:28 pm
@Nikki I have all sorts of weightlifting bruises on my collar bones that are really hard to explain, so I totally get it. For now turtle necks, scarves and a dab of derma blend do the trick!
Twitter: MarrBulls
Says:
November 2nd, 2011 at 11:42 pm
I walked around for a week with a bruise between my lip and my nose… Hahaha! But I need pants that have extra stretch on the hips, trust me I’m so blue its like I didn’t know Halloween was over! But how do you explain YOUR bruises?
Nikki Rules´s last [type] ..I Love Getting Mail Like This
Twitter: avapidblonde
Says:
November 3rd, 2011 at 12:23 pm
@Nikki… I don’t explain, I just squat clean heavy things and then do a shot of tequila. Flaming. Then no one asks any questions.
November 3rd, 2011 at 8:30 am
perfect! and I was looking for some inspiration today.
Twitter: avapidblonde
Says:
November 3rd, 2011 at 12:24 pm
@Ry inspiration to polish your esophagus? I know mine could use a little refurbing!
November 3rd, 2011 at 9:04 am
She lost her espophagus? At, like, the mall? That’s why I always keep one eye on my esophagus because you never know when it’s going to be distracted by a new Lego set and just take off.
moooooog35´s last [type] ..More Shit People Send Me – Female Anatomy Snack Foods
Twitter: avapidblonde
Says:
November 3rd, 2011 at 12:25 pm
@Moooooog35 right? Those esophaguses are slippery little fuckers!
November 3rd, 2011 at 10:14 am
One of the side effects of egg inhalation? Spontaneous esophagus disappearances. True story.
Elly Lou´s last [type] ..Milkshakes
Twitter: avapidblonde
Says:
November 3rd, 2011 at 12:26 pm
@Elly why did I not know this already. I’ve been eating hard boiled eggs like they are reeses peanut butter cups! Fucking eggs!
November 3rd, 2011 at 3:09 pm
Coincidentally, that nice deep throat lady in the coat look like she’s about to hork up a hard boiled egg.
Tom G.´s last [type] ..Behold the Fastenal 5000!!!!!
Twitter: avapidblonde
Says:
November 3rd, 2011 at 3:25 pm
@Tom G Yeah but I bet it would still be whole…. So I’d like to see her snort That out through her nose
November 3rd, 2011 at 4:31 pm
I know of a few bars in Bangkok where people would pay good money to see that.
Tom G.´s last [type] ..Behold the Fastenal 5000!!!!!
Twitter: avapidblonde
Says:
November 3rd, 2011 at 5:27 pm
@Tom That and the eggs shooting out of other areas as well! Not that I’ve seen that anywhere ever.
November 3rd, 2011 at 7:55 pm
I thought you looked familiar! I didn’t recognize you without the hard boiled egg.
Tom G.´s last [type] ..Behold the Fastenal 5000!!!!!
Twitter: avapidblonde
Says:
November 3rd, 2011 at 8:43 pm
@Tom Shhh….!!!!!!!
November 3rd, 2011 at 3:54 pm
And it is for this kind of writing that we keep coming back. Also? hard boiled eggs are hard to swallow anyway, so the fact that you eventually got all if it where it belongs earns you a gold star.
The Sweetest´s last [type] ..Don’t Wipe Your Poo On the Counter
Twitter: avapidblonde
Says:
November 3rd, 2011 at 4:09 pm
@The Sweetest… Awe shucks. *kicks dirt* *slips and falls* *starts to choke on own saliva*
Twitter: homeanduncool
Says:
November 3rd, 2011 at 4:11 pm
The yolk’s on someone, that’s for sure.
Always Home and Uncool´s last [type] ..Burning for the ‘Burn Notice’ Babe
Twitter: avapidblonde
Says:
November 3rd, 2011 at 5:25 pm
@Always Home…Yuk, Yuk. Yuk! No really ew. Because it was on me apparently.
November 3rd, 2011 at 9:18 pm
Have you actually seen Deep Throat?
I have.
Ewww.
Amanda@Brilliant Sulk´s last [type] ..BOO.
November 3rd, 2011 at 10:37 pm
I’ve seen it numerous times and while I keep my esophogus wrapped tightly with a wool scarf and packing tape to prevent an incident NOTHING can stop the full body implosion caused by watching Behind the Green Door. My insides liquified.
dufmanno´s last [type] ..Good Bye Yellowbrick Road
Twitter: avapidblonde
Says:
November 4th, 2011 at 7:02 am
@Dufmanno and you wrapped in wool and duct tape are porn of a different fetish altogether.
Twitter: avapidblonde
Says:
November 4th, 2011 at 6:58 am
@Amanda Didn’t you just absolutely love the soundtrack? Also “Ewww.”=”GAG” right?
November 3rd, 2011 at 11:34 pm
That was the first porno I ever saw. Friend of mine drilled me good in the eye with a baseball and then dug feverishly through his uncle’s porn collection in order to find something that might mollify me. It did.
Twitter: avapidblonde
Says:
November 4th, 2011 at 7:00 am
@Homemaker Man You know where I thought this was going when you said how your friend drilled you…Yes, exactly. Also your friends “Uncle”…does he drive a van with shag carpeting?
November 4th, 2011 at 7:38 am
Can we all agree that it is acceptable to giggle when someone utters the phrase “a friend of mine drilled me good” now that Beavis and Butthead are back?
Wicked Shawn´s last [type] ..Yeah, I Know…….Let’s Just Pretend
November 4th, 2011 at 7:58 am
I’ve heard that one about the friend drilling you good in conjunction with an aside about a trainer really “blasting my glutes hard”
Ahem.
dufmanno´s last [type] ..Good Bye Yellowbrick Road
Twitter: avapidblonde
Says:
November 4th, 2011 at 9:44 am
@Dufmanno Mine is always saying things like pretend your squeezing a coin in your cheeks and that’s usually when I get up and leave the gym.
Twitter: avapidblonde
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November 4th, 2011 at 9:43 am
@Wicked Shawn You said butt head.
Twitter: asvinnycsit
Says:
November 4th, 2011 at 4:22 am
After my own similar (& numerous) experiences, I’m convinced that eating is a delicate process which should not be interrupted. EVER! You’re lucky you – your esophagus – are both okay.
Vinny C´s last [type] ..I’m On The Job.
Twitter: avapidblonde
Says:
November 4th, 2011 at 7:00 am
@Vinny C Especially if you are eating corn on the cob…it will get you everytime!
November 4th, 2011 at 8:00 am
So here I am at the bottom of the comment stream in a complete confusion cloud. Were we talking about eating hard boiled eggs?
dufmanno´s last [type] ..Good Bye Yellowbrick Road
Twitter: avapidblonde
Says:
November 4th, 2011 at 9:44 am
@Dufmanno Ping pong balls.
Twitter: subWOW
Says:
November 6th, 2011 at 10:13 pm
Ping Pong Balls as featured in Priscilla Queen of The Desert? ^_^ That was some talent for sho.
Absence of Alternatives´s last [type] ..Seriously people: No Christmas decorations or music yet. Bring Back Thanksgiving!!!
Twitter: avapidblonde
Says:
November 7th, 2011 at 2:54 pm
@SubWOW. Bwop. Bwop. Bwop. (sound effects)
Twitter: subWOW
Says:
November 6th, 2011 at 10:12 pm
I was going to ask the same question!
Twitter: avapidblonde
Says:
November 7th, 2011 at 2:53 pm
@SubWOW. And you know I think the whole thing was supposed be about this food challenge I’ve been participating in. Sigh!
November 4th, 2011 at 1:29 pm
I don’t know which are funnier, your post or these comments.
No, you win.
Twitter: avapidblonde
Says:
November 4th, 2011 at 1:40 pm
@The Weird Girl *claps hands and runs around in circles* I WIN, I WIN, I WIN!
Twitter: subWOW
Says:
November 6th, 2011 at 10:15 pm
Vapid, let us know when you open a specialty shop on Etsy!!!
Absence of Alternatives´s last [type] ..Seriously people: No Christmas decorations or music yet. Bring Back Thanksgiving!!!
Twitter: avapidblonde
Says:
November 7th, 2011 at 2:57 pm
@SubWOW As soon as I finish designing my line of Lypoma hats I will open my shop. Trying to think of a name though.
Twitter: ludakristen
Says:
November 7th, 2011 at 2:14 pm
I am so, so confused about this post. Hard-boiled eggs? Porn stars? New esophagus? What is happening?
Luda´s last [type] ..I’ll bet you’re wondering where I’ve been.
Twitter: avapidblonde
Says:
November 7th, 2011 at 2:59 pm
@Luda… I feel you pain, obviously you will fit in just fine here because I’m sure you are only saying what the rest of my readers are too confused to put into words.
Twitter: pattypunker
Says:
November 7th, 2011 at 4:31 pm
i remember my last chewing frenzy of mastication, salivation and hyperventilation. it happened after a debaucherous night of drinking in new york with glittery girls and famous rays pizza. is there any better way to top off a saturday night in the city?
pattypunker´s last [type] ..lost in translation
Twitter: avapidblonde
Says:
November 7th, 2011 at 6:51 pm
@Patty Punker I think I was with you that morning…You were so cute!
Twitter: avapidblonde
Says:
November 7th, 2011 at 6:52 pm
@Patty Punker…that pizza…YUM!
Twitter: pattypunker
Says:
November 7th, 2011 at 9:14 pm
so yum! even if i was a vicious pig.
Twitter: avapidblonde
Says:
November 7th, 2011 at 9:25 pm
@Patty Punker…so not piggy. Just adorable and I am so craving a slice right now.
November 7th, 2011 at 9:35 pm
And this is why I love you so much.
chickens consigliere´s last [type] ..Chicken talks about "The Sex Talk"
Twitter: avapidblonde
Says:
November 7th, 2011 at 9:38 pm
@Chicken’s Consigliere Some one has to eat the eggs. XOXO!
December 2nd, 2011 at 8:50 pm
I’ve come over to loiter and wrap myself in the throw blanket on your couch. I’m not fucking moving until you write an ode to Elly’s breasts. They look absolutely smashing in the new shirt she’s sporting in her Uke video. Notice how I capitalize UKE. respect….
dufmanno´s last [type] ..Jumpy the Overenthusiastic Field Mouse Learns A Terrible Life Lesson
Twitter: avapidblonde
Says:
December 2nd, 2011 at 11:43 pm
@Dufmanno….JESUS FUCKING CHRIST ON A CRACKER!!! How much do I love the shit out of you?! I need to actually see these boobie to make an ode to her. Maybe I should just write a poem. *Twists moustche* Very deep in thought.
Respect. *high fist bump*
Come visit. Please.
I want to go on a public tirade and kick some unsuspecting mooshy ass wih you..for real! xoxo
Twitter: fernweher
Says:
December 10th, 2011 at 9:23 pm
hehehee, you ate the same egg twice! i eat stuff that falls on my shirt or pants when out to dinner, when i think no one is looking and then sometimes I still feel weird about that. being weird is awesome.
Fern´s last [type] ..American Military Politics
Twitter: avapidblonde
Says:
December 10th, 2011 at 10:47 pm
@Fern It’s kind of like a twice baked potato… so, so good! You are like a weird kindred spirit to me. XOXO!
January 4th, 2012 at 1:11 pm
Oh look, it’s me again and I’ve seemingly come out of a long hibernation and now expect that the world will begin spinnning on it’s axis just because I say so! Everyone hates a narcissitic blowhard, and that’s probably why no one can stand me. Happy Holidays!!!!!!!
dufmanno´s last [type] ..I Steal and Feel No Remorse
Twitter: avapidblonde
Says:
January 4th, 2012 at 10:55 pm
@Dufmanno I happen to love anyone with the moniker BlowHard! So…soon Baby Doll BlowHardiness. I know you’ve been patient with me and it’s high time I stop getting high and start finding the fucking funny I seem to have misplaced. XOXO!
January 10th, 2012 at 1:35 pm
I’m sitting here eating a cupcake, pondering the idea that a woman just called her foofy bird a “pink cougar” and thinking I might want to push your comment # up to 69 just for fun. And also for Lin.
dufmanno´s last [type] ..The Long Haulers
Twitter: avapidblonde
Says:
January 10th, 2012 at 2:18 pm
@Dufmanno I think all cougars and Foofy Birds should be a little sad at this moment. I’m sure that persons hoo haa should have a “black don’t bar” across it.
A Vapid Blonde´s last [type] ..Throat Coats…The New LBD
January 18th, 2012 at 12:08 am
I like that you picked it off of your dress and finished eating it. Because I’d totally do that.
Twitter: avapidblonde
Says:
January 19th, 2012 at 7:48 am
@Jessica, I have such a bad habbit of doing that. One day I’m afraid I’m going to eat mouse poop thinking it’s a rogue sprinkle.
A Vapid Blonde´s last [type] ..Throat Coats…The New LBD