Why You Should Think Twice About Sending That Chain Email: A PSA From Me

I love getting emails. Except if they are from that one person.
You know who I’m talking about.
The one person who’s emails are always  accompanied by a creepy little animated girl with big eyes telling you how you should pass on the creepy little animated big eyed girl to all the people you care about. To show them how much you care about them and then you will know how many people love you by the sheer volume of people who send you back that creepy little animated big eyed girl.
Because nothing says I care more than a creepy little animated big eyed girl.


From: A Vapid Blonde

To: Every Single Special Person In My Contacts Even If I Have No Idea Who The Hell You Are

 

Hey!!!!!!! I was thinking about you and thought I’d drop you an email. Hope all is well. Oh and by the way…
THIS IS HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU NOW SEND THIS FUCKER ON TO EVERY HUMAN WHO YOU THINK IS SUPER FUCKING FANTASTIC…

THIS IS FOR REAL. PASS THIS ON TO ALL THE SPECIAL HUMANS IN YOUR LIFE TO SHOW THEM HOW MUCH YOU CARE, INCLUDING ME MOTHERFUCKER. AND DON’T BREAK THE CHAIN OR YOUR LEFT EYEBALL WILL POP OUT IN FOUR DAYS. IT WORKS. TRUST ME.

XOXO
VAPID
 
    

From: A Vapid Blonde

To: Every Single Special Person In My Contacts Even If I Have No Idea Who The Hell You Are (and by special I now mean self centered bitches who ignore the love I am sending you through email)

THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT.

DO.

NOT.

DELETE.

IF YOU DO ALL THE UNICORNS IN THE WORLD WILL START POOPING ACTUAL SHIT AND IT WILL BE ALL YOUR FAULT.

IF YOU ARE RECEIVING THIS IT IS BECAUSE YOU CHOSE TO IGNORE MY LAST  EMAIL OF LOVE AND LIGHT BUT BECAUSE I AM BETTER THAN YOU I WILL FORGIVE YOU AND WILL SEND YOU MY HEART. 

 NOW PASS THIS ON TO EVERY HUMAN YOU CARE ABOUT OR YOU WILL MAKE THIS CREEPY LITTLE ANIMATED NO EYED GIRL RIP HER DEAD AND BROKEN HEART OUT. DON’T FOR GET TO SEND IT BACK TO ME OR I WILL SEND YOU HER DEAD AND BROKEN HEART THROUGH THE U.S. MAIL.

XOXO
VAPID


From: A Vapid Blonde

To: Every Single Special Person In My Contacts Even If I Have No Idea Who The Hell You Are (and by special I now mean cold heartless catty people who ignore my EXTREMELY heart felt emails that I take minutes out of my day to compose and send to you.)

DON’T WORRY. LIFE IS WONDERFUL. RAINBOWS STILL EXIST. SOMETIMES YOU JUST NEED TO OPEN YOUR EYES TO SEE THE BEAUTY AROUND YOU.

UNLESS OF COURSE YOUR EYES ARE BLEEDING FROM THEIR SOCKETS BECAUSE AT LEAST YOUR LEFT EYE HAS POPPED OUT SINCE YOU NEVER SENT THE FIRST EMAIL BACK TO ME.
(I TOLD YOU IT WORKED)
WHICH WOULD ALSO EXPLAIN WHY YOU HAVEN’T SENT BACK ANY OF THESE EMAILS OF LOVE TO ME.
SO I WILL JUST ASSUME YOU CAN’T EVEN READ.
WHICH IS TOO BAD FOR YOU BECAUSE  IF THIS EMAIL DOESN’T COME BACK TO ME AND YOU BREAK THE FORWARDING CHAIN  ALL THE FAIRIES IN THE WORLD WILL GET EATEN BY ZOMBIES AND THEIR BLOOD WILL BE ON YOUR HANDS.
 
SELFISH ASSHOLE.
 
X fucking O X fucking O
VAPID
 
    

So if you send me a chain email let this serve as fair warning that you may just get one back from me with a lot less love and a whole hell of a lot more kitten blood.

88 thoughts on “Why You Should Think Twice About Sending That Chain Email: A PSA From Me

    1. A Vapid Blonde
      Twitter: avapidblonde
      Post author

      @Oilfield Trash So by “sort of feel the same way” does that mean there is a tiny part of you that likes them? Because I can start sending them to you, you know.

      Reply
  1. Andrea
    Twitter: alittlebitrock

    I can’t even participate in the chain recipe emails, where you send a recipe to the next on the list and then you get 27,000 recipes in your inbox. No thanks. Send me an actual email asking for a recipe, and maybe I’ll comply.
    Andrea´s last blog post ..Long Train RunningMy Profile

    Reply
    1. A Vapid Blonde
      Twitter: avapidblonde
      Post author

      @Andrea That sounds like the Mother of All Chain Emails. How do you know people aren’t trying to poison you…that’s what I would think. And this post reminds me that I have yet to send Jessica from Booshy.com my fabulous chicken and pasta recipe. I suck.

      Reply
    1. A Vapid Blonde
      Twitter: avapidblonde
      Post author

      @Homemaker Man A DOUBLE sigh? Really don’t be upset. When you feel left out just come back here and gaze upon creepy big eyed girls to comfort and warm the cockles of your heart.

      Reply
  2. Nikki Rules
    Twitter: MarrBulls

    I must admit, the only time I actually re-send those things “to prove my love to the sender” is my mom. I’d hate for my hatred towards chain emails to get me knocked out of the will. What does she expect me to do? Work all my life? I need to inherit some easy money, and hitting the reply button is worth it. In the long run.


    Nikki Rules´s last blog post ..My Favorite Topic- Poop!My Profile

    Reply
    1. A Vapid Blonde
      Twitter: avapidblonde
      Post author

      @Nikki Rules Getting knocked out of the will would suck donkey balls. That is an acceptble resending of things. Then you can just send them to everyone she sent them to and it would look like a glitch in the matrix thus getting you off the hook.

      Reply
  3. subWOW
    Twitter: subWOW

    HOW DO I RECALL EMAILS I JUST SENT YOU?!

    LOL.

    Bravo I say! I hate receiving these chain mails. And seriously what do you say/do when it’s from your MIL?!
    subWOW´s last blog post ..Sucker PunchedMy Profile

    Reply
  4. Pixi

    Classic!! Just…classic!
    Those things really piss me off.
    Don’t try to keep me up all night by telling me my grandmother’s gonna die & I’ll get blown up by lightning if I don’t pass on your chain letter to 10 more people by the full moon. Wtf?

    Reply
  5. dufmanno

    Once I broke the chain and I could FEEL myself beginning to die and all my good luck suddenly disappeared AND THEN a giant Bengal tiger got loose and started roaming my neighborhood eating small children who were unfortunate enough to be outside playing ball at the time.
    I ran my ass back in that house so fast and repaired the chain by sending out double the number of emails.
    And then all was right with this world.
    dufmanno´s last blog post ..Wretched Defiant and FunMy Profile

    Reply
  6. Melme
    Twitter: melme

    What really sucks it that the person that sends me the most chain mail is my dad and he does it from my mom’s email account since he doesn’t have one! So I never know if the “Hope this brightens your day!” email will be a nice note from my mom or a horrible, eye-rending thing from my dad!! So sad.
    Melme´s last blog post ..Bits and Pieces- Glasses- mattresses and other thingsMy Profile

    Reply
  7. Wicked Shawn

    I haven’t gotten a chain email for almost 3 years. I told my mom if she forwarded me anything that didn’t have something offensive in it, I was banning her from Christmas. (one of the upsides to being the keeper of her grandchildren) My MIL doesn’t have any of my email addresses because, yeah, that shit just isn’t happening. So, I am free from the chains of email love! Bwahahahaha! Even better, my in laws think I am not internet savvy. #WINNING
    Wicked Shawn´s last blog post ..You’ve Been Warned!My Profile

    Reply
  8. pattypunker
    Twitter: pattypunker

    every time a chain email is sent it prolongs winter one more hour. why don’t these motherfuckers get that!

    would you mind doing a PSA on inane jokes, too? my mother and aunt inundate my mailbox with them. it’s painful. then my my follows-up via phone whether i’ve received and read them. fml.

    ps: best zombie photo EVA!!!!
    pattypunker´s last blog post ..puissance!My Profile

    Reply
    1. A Vapid Blonde
      Twitter: avapidblonde
      Post author

      @Patty Punker Which would explain why my balls are almost frozen off. Damn chain email curses. The inane jokes are horrible. HORRIBLE. I think bunnies stop humping everytime one of those are sent. And that’s just sad. If the bunnies can’t get it on…what’s to come of mankind. SIGH.

      Reply
  9. Theresa
    Twitter: thughesa

    Nice. I hate those fucking emails. I got once that stated that if the chain was broken someone I know would probably get hurt. I wrote to the bitch that sent it to me and asked her to not send me any crap like that. She has since broken off all contact, thank effing god.
    Theresa´s last blog post ..I Got a New Girl Now…My Profile

    Reply
    1. A Vapid Blonde
      Twitter: avapidblonde
      Post author

      @Theresa Good for you for telling her to shut the fuck up. And aren’t you the lucky one that she now ignores…haaa haaa. Like she is really hurting you by cutting off all contact. Problem for me, I actually like (and in some cases) have genuine love for the people that send me these things.

      Reply
    1. A Vapid Blonde
      Twitter: avapidblonde
      Post author

      @Amanda It’s like “Little House on the Zombie Prairi” style nightgown. *drooling* *draging one foot* *in a gravelly voice* “Pa….can I have come milk and BRAAAIINNNS before bed?”

      Reply
  10. Lex

    I appreciate this post, but umm.. the last 2 pictures will give me nightmares.
    But seriously. STOP SENDING CHAIN EMAILS PEOPLE! I might start replying “you just killed 10 babies in Africa by sending this”. No?
    Lex´s last blog post ..Not Quite Dead YetMy Profile

    Reply
    1. A Vapid Blonde
      Twitter: avapidblonde
      Post author

      @Lex When I first read your comment and got the “but umm…” I thought you were gonna hate on my hating on the chain emails and start telling me about their value….PHEW. I am sorry you will have nightmares. That was not my point AT ALL! I think that is a really good reply. Or…you could say something like. “Hey thanks asshole, I just cut off my own leg so as to avoid any one else getting hurt by this email. Want it? I have no use for it anymore.”

      Reply
    1. A Vapid Blonde
      Twitter: avapidblonde
      Post author

      @Kathryn You know what that is right? Fear. Fear that somehow the internet is really a magical place that holds some kind of power of what you do and don’t do. Like Santa. So you know, you better be good or a building will fall on your car in 48 hours.

      Reply
    1. A Vapid Blonde
      Twitter: avapidblonde
      Post author

      @Warren Right, because you don’t want to pass it on, but you don’t hate your country either so you sit there with 8000 emails in your inbox that you can never get rid of. Kind of like birhday cards.

      Reply
  11. Alice X

    ACTUAL SHIT? Fuck i’d better send that fucker on quick! ahaha. I hate these push messages, i get texts all the time saying send this to everyone you know or your left leg will be eaten by hungry midgets or whatever. I should hire some hungry midgets to hunt those push message people down.

    Reply
    1. A Vapid Blonde
      Twitter: avapidblonde
      Post author

      @Alice X I am so glad this has not invaded my cell phone. If I started getting those I would totally start texting things like: “AHHHHHH OOOWWWW this Midget, GET. IT. OFF. ME. NOW. I really liked that leg!”

      Reply
      1. A Vapid Blonde
        Twitter: avapidblonde
        Post author

        @Kat I can always correct typos if you like but since you fixed it…we are all good. It workes either way. To have and to Hate. My knew chain email vows.

        Reply
    1. A Vapid Blonde
      Twitter: avapidblonde
      Post author

      @Kat I hate those too…the ones that say all smug. “I know 90% of my friends won’t post this….will you?” And I’m all like NOPE I want to post interesting things. That and I am a selfish ass who doesn’t give a shit about the world.

      Reply
  12. "Susan says..."

    Oh my God! I am sending that to everyone I know because if I get one more virtual bouquet or teddy holding balloons, I will have no choice but to become a serial killer.

    Thanks for the laugh.

    Reply
    1. A Vapid Blonde
      Twitter: avapidblonde
      Post author

      @Susan Say’s Ooh, ooh, how about a serial killer email chain. “Pass on this picture of my latest victim’s pinky finger or in four days YOU’RE NEXT!”

      Reply
    1. A Vapid Blonde
      Twitter: avapidblonde
      Post author

      @Tom G. See, you needed to sign up for whatareyouaboutasize14.com way better quality serial killer chain emails, with daily deals on tools of the trade.

      Reply
  13. LA Juice
    Twitter: alajuice

    I wish I’d read this sooner, as I share your irritation, but I was too busy trying to wire $5,000 and a part of my liver to a Nigerian Goat Prince for my sister who sent an email saying she was trapped there recovering in an icy bathtub after someone harvested her kidneys, but it was ok because the Prince had a great business opportunity for us and if I didn’t send the money I would have 7 years of bad luck and no sex.

    You can’t imagine how hard it is to wire funds to no fixed address in Nigeria.

    Reply
  14. Rachel
    Twitter: rachelchronicle

    If you could send me one (or all) of those emails so I could have a forward to send on to my mom that would be great.
    xoxo, chain mail non-forwarder.
    P.S. If you could do so quickly that would be great because I didn’t forward on the email I got this morning, so I’m pretty sure I’m going to be eaten by a shark tomorrow morning at 9am. And since I didn’t forward the other one I got this morning, I’m also pretty sure I’m going to hell. And they don’t have internet in hell. That’s why it’s hell.
    Rachel´s last blog post ..We interrupt your regularly scheduled programmingMy Profile

    Reply
    1. A Vapid Blonde
      Twitter: avapidblonde
      Post author

      @Rachel Cut and Paste…please take and use an abuse any and all of these! Also I would not want you to be eaten by a shark. And since I am responding to this like three days later I am probably too late.

      Reply
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  16. chickensconsigliere

    Ok was there another full moon this month? This post has full moon hilarity written all over it. Seriously, I hate those creepy people. Your creepy people are kinda cute. Except that last one. That one does creepy little back handsprings down stairs and I don’t like her at all.
    chickensconsigliere´s last blog post ..Chicken MarketingMy Profile

    Reply
  17. Anda

    Okay then. I hate chain mail just as much as the next person, but… remind me never to piss you off!

    For the record, it’s just that much worse when your DAD does it. Your dad, who just so happens to be the one who taught you to use technology in the first place. (he should know better.)

    Reply
  18. J

    Those pictures will show up in my nightmares, since I have nightmares about things 5-year-old kids have nightmares about.

    But also – how many of those fucking “Don’t Get ATTACKED BY A SCARY SERIAL KILLER” chain letters do I have to get before someone just blows them up?
    J´s last blog post ..Food and Death and Happiness In BetweenMy Profile

    Reply
  19. Susie Kline
    Twitter: Susiekline

    God, I hate those chain emails! Especially the ones where they tell me god or Jesus will hate me if I don’t pass them on. Scares me a little…

    xo susie

    Reply
    1. A Vapid Blonde
      Twitter: avapidblonde
      Post author

      @Laura You know I am willing to take that risk too. Especially since many kittens are all jacked up on heroine and there is not enoug kittie methadone to go aroun. *high five*

      Reply
  20. Chantelle

    this is so funny. i hate chain e-mail. my niece even sends them to my phone. i have had people who are on pay per text plans send them and i think, why would they waste their text minutes for this. then if its one where everyone has to send them back to the sender, think of those minutes. i guess they are that important to some people. who would have known.
    Chantelle´s last blog post ..Stationary addictionMy Profile

    Reply
    1. A Vapid Blonde
      Twitter: avapidblonde
      Post author

      @Stacey Not having friends is something I know quite well. Or should I say the two who really are know better than to send these on to me. And WHAT THE HELL IS A PAMPERED CHEF PARTY. Sounds like a guy in a diaper cooking baby food which sounds alltogether awful.

      Reply
    1. A Vapid Blonde
      Twitter: avapidblonde
      Post author

      @The Glamorous Army Wife I do find my self daydreaming about the ones that promise money…sigh. Oh and only send the funny. *High Fucking Five*

      Reply
  21. Pingback: Funny Bitch Friday: A Vapid Blonde | Oh Noa.

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