If There’s A Bull Penis Involved I Am So In!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We’ve all sufficiently recouped from Thanksgiving and moved on to Christmas or Hanukkah or all of the other things that everyone celebrates around these parts. All of us but me. See, I am not ready to face Christmas. I never am until around the 24th but usually when the 24th rolls around you can find me smoking up a storm, nursing a 103 degree fever with a bottle or two of wine, wearing only some curly ribbon, wrapping all the yachts, gold bullion and diamonds that I personally dug for all of my beloved minions. However, this year I am really not ready to face Christmas since last year The Grinch came to my beloved Christmas, dug a hole in the ground, stuffed Christmas in it and then took a shit on it. I know, it’s not a pretty thought. Be thankful you weren’t there.

(doesn’t he just look like he’s about to take a crap?)

But what I really want to share with you all is the new Thanksgiving Bull Penis tradition that my lovely and quite demure Mother started this past Thanksgiving.
(We will call her Mrs. Vapid) 

The Dish and I take The Tine and The Nug very seriously you know, after all we bought The Nug two brand new bionic knees and The Tine, well he gets to keep his balls. We don’t give them human food very often and I am pretty sure The Nug is going to walk out the door one day to go live with our good friend who watches both dogs  and makes them home made frozen yogurt treats on the RARE occasion we try to get the HELL OUT of Dodge. 
On special occasions, such as Thanksgiving, we try to make them feel a part of the festivities and special usually means when we are drunk enough to not care what aroma comes wafting out of their bung holes.

 Since they deconstruct, devour and destroy what ever is given them in a matter of seconds we try to find something that is hard and will last a long, long, long time. To that end, we have found the Mighty Bully Stick lasts about and hour (badum chump) and when I tell you they love them, just imagine a guard dog that will still be chewing on the thing when an intruder comes in and trying to bark at the same time. It’s this weird combination of chaw chaw raawww rawww chaw chawgrawww.  What I’m getting at is they make a shit ton of noise while chewing so when Mrs. Vapid asked what they were she no doubt couldn’t hear The Dish quietly look away and say “dried bull penis” into his glass of wine. Although my dad, Mr. Vapid heard.
 A little time goes by, the dogs are going down to town on these things and Mrs. Vapid exclaims “Those look good can I get one?”
*Blinks all around*
I’m pretty sure everyone turned around and took another sip of wine.
A little more time goes by and Mrs. Vapid exclaims “Really, that just looks so good, can I get one?”
*sigh*
*drink*
Mrs. Vapid to Mr. Vapid: “Don’t you want one of those?”

Mr. Vapid: ” Did you hear what they are?”
Mrs. Vapid: “No?”
Mr. Vapid (giving the stinkeye of suspisciousness): “You didn’t hear what they are?”
Mrs. Vapid:  “NO, what are they?”
(cut to me sitting next to Mrs. Vapid on the couch slowly sipping my wine…waiting, waiting, waiting for just the right moment to strike! Kaboom!)
AVB: “Mom, it’s a dried BULL PENIS!”
Mrs. Vapid : “No it’s not:”
Mr. Vapid: “Yes it is, The Dish clearly said that like 45 minutes ago!”
AVB: “Yes mom, it’s a dried bull penis like raw hide that we give to our dogs and all you keep talking about is how much you want one and doesn’t dad want one and I never knew how KINKY you were?!?”

And through out the rest of the night I kept on offending my mother over and over again with talk of the Bull Penis. Like when a guy on tv took a little swizzle stick with a little hand on it and scratched his little balls with it and my mom didn’t see what he did and asked “What just happened?” Yeah, um Mom “He scrastched his bull penis with it…duh!”

And that’s when she said she was no longer speaking to me.

Next time I will tell you about how my parents think I live like a cave woman in the woods and brush whats left of my teeth with tree bark.

54 thoughts on “If There’s A Bull Penis Involved I Am So In!

  1. Tom G.

    bwahhahahahahahaha

    That is frickin’ hilarious. I think my mom would have a heart attack if she heard the word bull penis.

    OK, I’m going to the pet store tomorrow to get Moxie and Maggie their very own bull penis’ (penises? penii? what’s the right term for “more than one penis”?)
    Tom G.´s last blog post ..Caution- Mojo at WorkMy Profile

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  2. subWOW
    Twitter: subWOW

    And thus another family lore was created and passed on to generations. Ah… Thanksgiving. The holiday that keeps on giving… Now I really want a dog. Or a human person who does not mind chewing on dried bull penii. (I like this version better the two “ii” gives a nice visual…)
    subWOW´s last blog post ..Let’s paint the town redMy Profile

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    1. A Vapid Blonde
      Twitter: avapidblonde
      Post author

      @subWOW Almost like an app for the iiPhone the Penii app. I need to download that and show my mom for next years tradition of giving two penis at once. I hope my mome never reads this post.

      Reply
    1. A Vapid Blonde
      Twitter: avapidblonde
      Post author

      @Miss Nikki I am pretty sure she is allergic to all things oysters. ;-) Not sure about the testicle variety though and I’m kind of afraid to ask.

      Reply
  3. Wicked Shawn

    Now I know what to get N9nuh for Christmas. She will love a bull penis, and my mom will DIE when I tell her what it is. Have I mentioned lately how much I love you?? Finally, I am getting in the holiday spirit, who knew all it took was a bull penis to make me feel the spirit? Okay, something just went very wrong with this comment.
    Wicked Shawn´s last blog post ..Attention WhoresMy Profile

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    1. A Vapid Blonde
      Twitter: avapidblonde
      Post author

      @Wicked Shawn And this is why I love you right back. If I can talk about bull penis to get you in the mood then you are my kind of bull penis lovin’ chick!

      Reply
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    1. A Vapid Blonde
      Twitter: avapidblonde
      Post author

      @Elly Lou I totally thought of you when I was writing this and pondered how different this post would be with your clan in place of mine. Whoa! Also we could school everyone in the finer points of nose licking.

      Reply
  5. pattypunker
    Twitter: pattypunker

    there’s way too much shit and crap talk in here. i thought we had a pact, vapid! the holidays are clearly getting to you. but i can’t wait to see how you wrap my yacht.

    i hear in france they serve fois gras with dried bull penis.
    pattypunker´s last blog post ..i lost my funMy Profile

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    1. A Vapid Blonde
      Twitter: avapidblonde
      Post author

      @Patty Punker I think I owed you one breech of contract. Also I am pretty sure the only way to eat bulls penis is to wrap it in fois gras, don’t you?

      Reply
    1. A Vapid Blonde
      Twitter: avapidblonde
      Post author

      @Kernut The Blond They really just look like a giant piece of raw hide. I think it was the passion with which the dogs were chomping and licking away. They don’t really look all that appealing, not to eat or anything else!

      Reply
  6. beta dad

    Ever notice that the ingredients list on those things simply says “bull pizzle”? I don’t think I’ve ever heard a penis called a “pizzle” in any other context.

    I think Stella the dog will be enjoying a nice pizzle for Christmas.
    beta dad´s last blog post ..In defense of IKEAMy Profile

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    1. A Vapid Blonde
      Twitter: avapidblonde
      Post author

      @Chickensconsigliere As soon as she said she was no longer speaking to me she turned around and started a brand new coversation with me and all was forgiven.

      Reply
  7. Dr. Cynicism
    Twitter: DrCynicism

    Yup, I’ll never forget the first time my wife and I found out what the Bully Stick our dog loved so much really was. And to think that he’d been chewing on that fuckin thing all day, dragging it around the house. *sick*
    Dr. Cynicism´s last blog post ..Lysol and FUDsMy Profile

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  8. wanderingmenace

    hahahahaha
    This is hilarious.
    Loving the image of the family around the table, nervously trying to ignore your mother as she repeatedly requests bull penis.
    Sounds like something that would happen at my family Christmas dinners.
    Gotta love the holidays.

    Reply

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