Yeah, yeah, yeah. We’ve all sufficiently recouped from Thanksgiving and moved on to Christmas or Hanukkah or all of the other things that everyone celebrates around these parts. All of us but me. See, I am not ready to face Christmas. I never am until around the 24th but usually when the 24th rolls around you can find me smoking up a storm, nursing a 103 degree fever with a bottle or two of wine, wearing only some curly ribbon, wrapping all the yachts, gold bullion and diamonds that I personally dug for all of my beloved minions. However, this year I am really not ready to face Christmas since last year The Grinch came to my beloved Christmas, dug a hole in the ground, stuffed Christmas in it and then took a shit on it. I know, it’s not a pretty thought. Be thankful you weren’t there.
(We will call her Mrs. Vapid)
The Dish and I take The Tine and The Nug very seriously you know, after all we bought The Nug two brand new bionic knees and The Tine, well he gets to keep his balls. We don’t give them human food very often and I am pretty sure The Nug is going to walk out the door one day to go live with our good friend who watches both dogs and makes them home made frozen yogurt treats on the RARE occasion we try to get the HELL OUT of Dodge.
On special occasions, such as Thanksgiving, we try to make them feel a part of the festivities and special usually means when we are drunk enough to not care what aroma comes wafting out of their bung holes.
Since they deconstruct, devour and destroy what ever is given them in a matter of seconds we try to find something that is hard and will last a long, long, long time. To that end, we have found the Mighty Bully Stick lasts about and hour (badum chump) and when I tell you they love them, just imagine a guard dog that will still be chewing on the thing when an intruder comes in and trying to bark at the same time. It’s this weird combination of chaw chaw raawww rawww chaw chawgrawww. What I’m getting at is they make a shit ton of noise while chewing so when Mrs. Vapid asked what they were she no doubt couldn’t hear The Dish quietly look away and say “dried bull penis” into his glass of wine. Although my dad, Mr. Vapid heard.
A little time goes by, the dogs are going down to town on these things and Mrs. Vapid exclaims “Those look good can I get one?”
*Blinks all around*
I’m pretty sure everyone turned around and took another sip of wine.
A little more time goes by and Mrs. Vapid exclaims “Really, that just looks so good, can I get one?”
Mrs. Vapid to Mr. Vapid: “Don’t you want one of those?”
Mr. Vapid: ” Did you hear what they are?”
Mrs. Vapid: “No?”
Mr. Vapid (giving the stinkeye of suspisciousness): “You didn’t hear what they are?”
Mrs. Vapid: “NO, what are they?”
(cut to me sitting next to Mrs. Vapid on the couch slowly sipping my wine…waiting, waiting, waiting for just the right moment to strike! Kaboom!)
AVB: “Mom, it’s a dried BULL PENIS!”
Mrs. Vapid : “No it’s not:”
Mr. Vapid: “Yes it is, The Dish clearly said that like 45 minutes ago!”
AVB: “Yes mom, it’s a dried bull penis like raw hide that we give to our dogs and all you keep talking about is how much you want one and doesn’t dad want one and I never knew how KINKY you were?!?”
And through out the rest of the night I kept on offending my mother over and over again with talk of the Bull Penis. Like when a guy on tv took a little swizzle stick with a little hand on it and scratched his little balls with it and my mom didn’t see what he did and asked “What just happened?” Yeah, um Mom “He scrastched his bull penis with it…duh!”
And that’s when she said she was no longer speaking to me.
Next time I will tell you about how my parents think I live like a cave woman in the woods and brush whats left of my teeth with tree bark.