Doggie Style: Poop Day Afternoon

As I sit here on my couch I’m looking around at all of you. All of you who are soundly asleep quietly passing your gas, exhaling your tiny motor boat snores, running after those silly bunnies or twinkies in your dreams and all I can think of is…
Y’all stink. 
Yes you smell, your dirty and you may have eaten something highly questionable when you were outside and all I want to do is be you. I want to roll around on the floor. I want to find pleasure in smelling dirt. I want to love a hard piece of processed *food* that looks like a rabbit turd with the same kind of intensity you do. I want my fur to be rubbed the wrong way. As I sit here chilled to the bone I wonder how I will survive these cold winter months. I look at you two,  my two beloved furry beasts and all I can think of is how nice it would be to have my own built in fur coat. How AWESOME would it be if the only thing that was expected of me was that I pooped twice a day and ate my food with out puking it up. And when my persons came home and I peed a little on the floor, how very very cool would it be to not be judged for doing that?

And that is when I realized I should be a dog. Being a dog would rock!

ZOMFG BEING A DOG IS AWESOME!!!1!!!

People want to give you treats all the time. And do and it’s goooood. And you can never get enough treats. “How about that steak? *pfft*”

*Pfft* You can fart all the time and it never gets old when you look at your hiney as if it just insulted you. 

You can roll around on your back naked and you don’t get arrested. But you do get your belly rubbed, hard. And if you happen to be a male show stud you get your balls fondled on a daily basis. And no on goes into a jealous rage over it because it’s in your contract.
“Line 42 clearly stipulates that my golden nuggets are to be held daily while you scream something like…BALLS! really, really loud.”

 You can smell and it’s still cute.

You can gain weight and everyone around says finally doggie is growing. If I gain weight and can’t fit into my clothes I have to resort to wearing Mu Mu’s and orthotics.

You can totally judge someone’s character by the way their bunghole smells without getting slapped, or arrested.

Clearly I am superior AND I’ve had a fantastic day doing fantastic dog things, you can just smell the fantastic on me.

Barking like a lunatic at a branch blowing in the breeze is totally acceptable behavior.

You can have a hairy hooch . It might even be attractive . Take for instance when my male dog sniffs my female dogs hoo haa and decides a sniff just isn’t enough so he goes in for a lick, another lick, lick, lick, lick, lick. Then he comes away smacking his lips together making this pwop, pwop, pwop, pwop,pwop, pwop,pwop, pwop,pwop, pwop,pwop, pwop,pwop, pwop, sound really fast.
I’m guessing this is like swirling your wine in your mouth to get the full flavor.

You and your doggie friends can vomit or poop anywhere and it’s fine, because no one will judge you for getting too drunk and doing that in front of the bar last night. And because you can eat it. You know, because it tastes good. And to hide the evidence. But mostly because it tastes good. And then you can go lick your humans face. Because she LIKES that so much judging from her reaction.

You wouldn’t ever have to go to work but if you do go to work, you can immediately, upon your arrival, go directly to the break room and nap until lunch time and then nap until it’s time to go home.

To have a built in fur coat. To not have a care in the world. And the best thing on the face of the earth is being able to suck on that stinky rope toy that smells like a combination of taleggio, spit and yesterdays puke you *cleaned* up?

Woof!