Doggie Style: Poop Day Afternoon

As I sit here on my couch I’m looking around at all of you. All of you who are soundly asleep quietly passing your gas, exhaling your tiny motor boat snores, running after those silly bunnies or twinkies in your dreams and all I can think of is…
Y’all stink. 
Yes you smell, your dirty and you may have eaten something highly questionable when you were outside and all I want to do is be you. I want to roll around on the floor. I want to find pleasure in smelling dirt. I want to love a hard piece of processed *food* that looks like a rabbit turd with the same kind of intensity you do. I want my fur to be rubbed the wrong way. As I sit here chilled to the bone I wonder how I will survive these cold winter months. I look at you two,  my two beloved furry beasts and all I can think of is how nice it would be to have my own built in fur coat. How AWESOME would it be if the only thing that was expected of me was that I pooped twice a day and ate my food with out puking it up. And when my persons came home and I peed a little on the floor, how very very cool would it be to not be judged for doing that?

And that is when I realized I should be a dog. Being a dog would rock!

ZOMFG BEING A DOG IS AWESOME!!!1!!!

People want to give you treats all the time. And do and it’s goooood. And you can never get enough treats. “How about that steak? *pfft*”

*Pfft* You can fart all the time and it never gets old when you look at your hiney as if it just insulted you. 

You can roll around on your back naked and you don’t get arrested. But you do get your belly rubbed, hard. And if you happen to be a male show stud you get your balls fondled on a daily basis. And no on goes into a jealous rage over it because it’s in your contract.
“Line 42 clearly stipulates that my golden nuggets are to be held daily while you scream something like…BALLS! really, really loud.”

 You can smell and it’s still cute.

You can gain weight and everyone around says finally doggie is growing. If I gain weight and can’t fit into my clothes I have to resort to wearing Mu Mu’s and orthotics.

You can totally judge someone’s character by the way their bunghole smells without getting slapped, or arrested.

Clearly I am superior AND I’ve had a fantastic day doing fantastic dog things, you can just smell the fantastic on me.

Barking like a lunatic at a branch blowing in the breeze is totally acceptable behavior.

You can have a hairy hooch . It might even be attractive . Take for instance when my male dog sniffs my female dogs hoo haa and decides a sniff just isn’t enough so he goes in for a lick, another lick, lick, lick, lick, lick. Then he comes away smacking his lips together making this pwop, pwop, pwop, pwop,pwop, pwop,pwop, pwop,pwop, pwop,pwop, pwop,pwop, pwop, sound really fast.
I’m guessing this is like swirling your wine in your mouth to get the full flavor.

You and your doggie friends can vomit or poop anywhere and it’s fine, because no one will judge you for getting too drunk and doing that in front of the bar last night. And because you can eat it. You know, because it tastes good. And to hide the evidence. But mostly because it tastes good. And then you can go lick your humans face. Because she LIKES that so much judging from her reaction.

You wouldn’t ever have to go to work but if you do go to work, you can immediately, upon your arrival, go directly to the break room and nap until lunch time and then nap until it’s time to go home.

To have a built in fur coat. To not have a care in the world. And the best thing on the face of the earth is being able to suck on that stinky rope toy that smells like a combination of taleggio, spit and yesterdays puke you *cleaned* up?

Woof!

63 thoughts on “Doggie Style: Poop Day Afternoon

  1. Tom G.

    Woof! Woof! Woof!

    I’m sitting here scratching the bellies of my two girls, pondering what those mice that Maggie’s been eating must taste like. They’re so small, and fluffy. I’m thinking little pieces of bacon wrapped in cashmere. They must tickle your tongue.

    Reply
    1. A Vapid Blonde
      Twitter: avapidblonde
      Post author

      @Simple Dude Not only that, but it’s expected of the humans to pick it up. And hold onto it until a suitable place of disposal comes along. And by suitable I don’t mean the next mailbox on the street. *wink wink*

      Reply
  2. Pingback: Tweets that mention Doggie Style: Poop Day Afternoon | -- Topsy.com

  3. pattypunker
    Twitter: pattypunker

    i’m so being a dog for my birthday! (birthdays can be like halloween, damnit.) i’m wearing a fur coat, drinking too much and rolling around on my back naked without judgement or arrest.

    i so get it. tonite i sang my one pug, angus, to sleep by rubbing his belly and singing “you have pond scum breath my good boy. that is why you deserve a puppy massage. pond scum breath my good boy.” why he needed more sleep is beyond me, but my soothing voice and rythmic lyrics knocked his pug-ass out.

    also, the pictures in this post are the best. imma kiss the bat ears in that first one and squeeze the mumu in the other one.
    pattypunker´s last blog post ..bob dylan loves meMy Profile

    Reply
    1. A Vapid Blonde
      Twitter: avapidblonde
      Post author

      @Patty Punker I love that song. “You have pond scum breath my good boy” That is so awesome. Rolling around on the floor naked excep a fur coat is the only way to go. Happy Birthday and send pictures please!

      Reply
  4. Noa Gavin

    I had a dream last night where all I did was play with miniature puppies that were the most fun puppies ever. It was just a room full of puppies, and I laid on my back in this room, and we played and played and played for over an hour.

    It’s like you’re psychic.
    Noa Gavin´s last blog post ..RV To Hell- The School EditionMy Profile

    Reply
    1. A Vapid Blonde
      Twitter: avapidblonde
      Post author

      @Noa Miniature puppies, what a concept. I wonder if they would fit in my pockets? Maybe I could stuff them in my bra to keep warm. I like this whole room full of mini pups, it sounds so soft and fuzzy.

      Reply
  5. Vinny C
    Twitter: asvinnycsit

    We know what they eat, we know all their bad habits, we accept their smells as part of who they are, we watch them scurry, yelping behind the couch when a remote controlled car gets too close & scares the crap outta them while we think, “And you’re supposed to protect ME?”…

    Yet, we love, feed & clean up after them & accept them just as they are. Which is the the superior species again?
    Vinny C´s last blog post ..Living With A NinjaMy Profile

    Reply
      1. Stephanie C
        Twitter: SeriouslyRS

        Our boy, Schultz:
        -farts
        -then looks at bum
        -looks perplexed
        -then looks at me or BF as if we had something to do with rectal fume implants or something.

        Man, I love ‘em both.
        At least BF doesn’t eat his own poop. He wins on that one.
        Stephanie C´s last blog post ..Clearance MindedMy Profile

        Reply
        1. A Vapid Blonde
          Twitter: avapidblonde
          Post author

          @Stephanie I am so very very glad that your BF doesn’t eat his own poop or else I would have to strongly advise you to find a new one beacause, obviously, he is broken.

          Reply
  6. Wicked Shawn

    You know what I was wondering…guys become all excited when a woman rubs her breasts, women find it repulsive when a man rubs his balls. If we were the ones with balls, would men think it was sexy if we rubbed them? Sorry, but the dog balls brought it back to mind. Plus, I would really like an answer.
    Wicked Shawn´s last blog post ..If You Love Something- Set It FreeMy Profile

    Reply
    1. A Vapid Blonde
      Twitter: avapidblonde
      Post author

      @Wicked Shawn I think it depends on if they sweaty balls, or hairy balls. Also it is my understanding that scratching balls provides never ending pleasure.

      Reply
    1. A Vapid Blonde
      Twitter: avapidblonde
      Post author

      @Suicide_blond I have a feeling your doggies live in the lap of luxury complete with bacon, fur toys and man servants. And being one of your doggies would be like being a princess!

      Reply
  7. Ry Sal

    Well said! And in the Ode to dog, my puppy is almost eleven… He now stares at you intensely when a treat lands within inches of his paws… And I’m just the chump that gets up and hands it to him.

    Reply
    1. A Vapid Blonde
      Twitter: avapidblonde
      Post author

      @Ry I just throw another treat and leave the other one to be disovered at a different time. Kind of like a surprise birthday party of dog treats. I think the real treat party is under our bed where many a dog treats have been lost and forgotten. (wow, I just admitted I don’t clean under my bed)

      Reply
    1. A Vapid Blonde
      Twitter: avapidblonde
      Post author

      @Moooooog35 So what your saying is your into doggie porn? I am not surprised. Then you’d really enjoy watching the female dominate the male by humping his head.

      Reply
    1. A Vapid Blonde
      Twitter: avapidblonde
      Post author

      @Wildology My male dog blatantly walks up to you farts at you and walks away. What the hell? I so wish I could do that to people that annoyed me, but I don’t fart.

      Reply
  8. dufmanno

    My reading comprehension skills aren’t too sharp in the morning so I went forward on the first paragraph thinking you were talking to me about how badly I stunk and the horrible noises I make in my sleep.
    Imagine my relief when I saw the doggies.
    My Lab got nostalgic when he saw your dog still had his nuts.
    There is a sad faraway look in his eyes now.
    dufmanno´s last blog post ..Sure That Really HappenedMy Profile

    Reply
    1. A Vapid Blonde
      Twitter: avapidblonde
      Post author

      @Dufmanno The Tine (the one with the BALLZ) loves to show them off. He’s a little braggart. And you my little princess, you smell like cotton candy and you sound like fairies laughing in the night sky.

      Reply
  9. Waltsense

    So true…So true. Outside of the treats, you have a period where you can go around and hump everything. Being a red blooded male, this is a good thing. BUT ….reality usually comes in and you get FIXED – then your blueballed your whole life…let’s just hope they don’t know what they are missing. Great site!

    Reply
    1. A Vapid Blonde
      Twitter: avapidblonde
      Post author

      @Waltsense Thank you! My husband and I have had numerous *ahem* discusions about doing the old nip and snip and he is adamant about keeping them. His and the dogs. Sigh.

      Reply
  10. Amanda

    I live in my bulldog’s house. She’s sleeping on the couch next to me and farting away. My husband actually catches the cats so she can hump them! Lol! Dog people are the best!

    Reply
    1. A Vapid Blonde
      Twitter: avapidblonde
      Post author

      @Amanda So your bulldog humps the cats??? And doesn’t eat them? What is your Bulldogs name, because she sounds like the most awesome bulldog! And yes my house now belongs to my dogs. You can tell by how they decorate it with their fur…all week long while I go to work.

      Reply
  11. Amanda

    My English bulldog, Annabelle, will hump anyone or anything that will be still for 5 seconds. It’s a domination thing that my husband and father in law encouraged when she was a puppy. Yes, I did say she. She’s a girl who will hump anything. I’ve drawn the line at her being allowed to hump the kids, but my kids think it’s hilarious when she tries to hump them.

    We had guests at the house last night and my dark headed son thought it would be a great idea to catch a cat to show our guests that Annabelle would hump it. Good times!
    Amanda´s last blog post ..Awesome boysMy Profile

    Reply
    1. A Vapid Blonde
      Twitter: avapidblonde
      Post author

      @Amanda I am in love with Annabelle! Our female dog The Nug…she’s the one showing her bunghole next to a bottle of beer up there, is the one who likes to skull hump her brother, The Tine…the ZOMFG DOG in the first picture. He’s the one with balls and is the stud/show (kind of) so I get it. We have a friend who has a black lab that The Nug (girl) is totally in love with and when ever he comes to visit she grabs his head and puts it between her legs and does the humpty all day long on his face. Rock on bitches!

      Reply
  12. subWOW
    Twitter: subWOW

    I want to conduct a survey on your blog (I’m rude I know!): Raise your hand if you’re excited by the blog title thinking you’d be getting some instructions?! Ok. Maybe it’s just me…

    If I were a dog, I’d be ok and not be insulted when called a bitch. I am ok with that.
    subWOW´s last blog post ..The Faces of Those Who Were ThereMy Profile

    Reply
    1. A Vapid Blonde
      Twitter: avapidblonde
      Post author

      @SubWOW You know you can do or say what ever you like here, right? Well if not now you know. And of course I titled it to be enticing. I mean come on “DOGGIE STYLE” but you know what I think I misspelled doggie throughout the entire post. But I liked the way it looked better than doggy. sigh.
      Also, I am a bitch so I am never offended when called out as one. XOXO

      Reply
  13. Kernut the Blond
    Twitter: kernut

    “You can totally judge someone’s character by the way their bunghole smells without getting slapped, or arrested.” <— Awesome line.

    I'm a cat person, though. I like the relative cleanliness of cats. Pooping is limited to a litter box, and cats never smell. The fur everywhere can be a bit annoying, but I want to come back as a spoiled cat.
    Kernut the Blond´s last blog post ..Witness Protection Program InducteeMy Profile

    Reply
    1. A Vapid Blonde
      Twitter: avapidblonde
      Post author

      @Jen Thank you, they both have really distinct personalities…the little guy in the first picture is like a surfer dude and the big girl in the last picture is like our emo goth teenager. She made need a little doggie xanax eventually.

      Reply
    1. A Vapid Blonde
      Twitter: avapidblonde
      Post author

      @Chickensconsigliere I know, a dogs palate is a mystery. I wonder what the thought process is from smelling to eating…because smelling for me would make more vomit. ACK!

      Reply
  14. Megan (Best of Fates)
    Twitter: bestoffates

    You forgot the best part of being a dog – when you come across a really hot guy you can just walk right up to him and start licking him all over. And he probably won’t feel threatened and get a restraining order.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

CommentLuv badge